This is our lovely little garden. We have had struggles right from the start. We planted seeds and of the seeds the peas were the only thing to grow. So we went and bought plants. Our soil isnt that great. And the garden is on a slight hill. So when we water all the topsoil drains on to the patio. We have pests, birds and stray cats. It's been hard. BUT we finally have a couple of things growing. We have tomatoes and a couple of peppers. We are so excited to see these little baby plants grow.

We also have a friendly little black widow. She has really helped us with the pests. The first time I saw her I was totally creeped out. But Eric and I looked up pests and such online. And we learned that black widows are good for the garden. So now she has a safe little home where no one will kill her out of fear. Oh and we bought some praying manti to help with pests as well. We've seen a huge dragonfly in our garden. Its kinda cool.

Anyway, our garden is slowly coming alive. And amazingly it is still alive. We work pretty hard on trying to keep it growing healthy and strong. Its not always easy but its so much fun and so worth it.

Oh, and this picture has nothing to do with anything. Its just for those of you that havent seen me in a while. I'm still a dork.

Happy Father's Day Lee


Happy Father's Day Malen


Happy Father's Day Russell


Happy Father's Day Geno


Happy Father's Day Tyler






And Happy Father's Day to those that I missed. :)

Yesterday I went to Lagoon with Eric. I had never been before. Honestly, I am not a fan of scary, fast, high rides. But I went to give it a try.

I have only been on a roller coaster once. When I was about 12/13 Lee's sister Karalynn took me to the Santa Cruz boardwalk. She knew that I didnt want to ride the roller coaster. So she said that we would go on the ride next to it. As we walked up the ramp I noticed that we were getting higher and higher. By the time that we reached the top I knew that I had been TRICKED! I didnt want to go but I didnt want to be a wimp and run away. So I did it and it was terrible and fun. But I never went on another roller coaster or scary ride again... until yesterday.

Yesterday we walked into the park and straight to the little white roller coaster. Eric said it wasnt that bad. So I just decided that I would go for it. Honestly, I cried and I screamed very, very loud. I pretty much had my eyes closed as tight as they could be for the whole thing. And afterwards I was shaking. I dont know what the appeal is of having your guts come out of your mouth. Even though I was a wreck after the coaster I was very proud of myself.

I chickened out of a couple of rides. But I did go on about 5. Pretty much all the water ones. I was walking around like a soaked cat. I screamed on pretty much all of them. Overall it was fun. I promised Eric and myself that the next time that I go I'll try another scary ride.

I wish I had pictures but I dont. Maybe next time though.

Just a few little notes

Here is a short little list of some of my favorite things lately:

Artichokes! I eat them all the time. I am actually cooking one right now in the pressure cooker. I like them with extra virgin olive oil and various seasonings.

OH MY GOD! I just took the artichokes from off the stove and I found a ladybug inside. I killed it. I feel awful. I love ladybugs. And yet I accidentally murdered the poor little guy. I felt so bad that I started to cry and had to run into the bathroom to tell Eric while he was showering. I still feel terrible.

The rest of this post will have to wait until later. :(

R.I.P. Artichoke Ladybug

I've been feeling so tired lately. Tired and stressed. I just want quiet.

I go to work and hate pretty much every minute of it. I get nagged all day about where the bathrooms are. I have to clean up after people's messes. You would THINK that grown "adults" would know how to clean up after themselves or at least know how to respect property. I have to deal with people shoving fliers and porno discs into our books. I have to wonder if a magazine that I pick up has been inside the men's restroom. I get to hear work gossip that I often times dont want to hear because then I feel stuck in the middle. Yet, sometimes I get a nice customer that really just wants a book. And that is great. But the rest is hard.

I come home from work and someone is always playing on the wii or watching tv or hanging out. And then Eric wants to talk about my day and figure out what we are going to cook for dinner. If Lily hasnt been fed yet she'll meow until Eric of I feed her. There is always some noise or someone talking. Its hard to find quiet in this house anymore.

Its no ones fault, its just life.

I need a vacation or something.

The loves of my life

Seeing them growing up in their own little shoes makes me the happiest person in the whole world. And not a day goes by that I dont recognize that Tyler and I did the right thing placing them with Malen and Wendy. I've been asked before if I had any regrets about placing them for adoption and honest to God, placing them was the best, most important and wonderful decision that I have ever made. I could never, ever regret giving them the chance at the life that they so deserve. You know its so strange that I can talk about Tyler so freely but when it comes to Sky and Solee my natural instinct to protect them kicks in. Anyway, I love them and their happy lives.

I come from a long line of people (mostly women) who never do anything good or proactive for themselves or their lives. Its hard to break out of that mold. Its hard to step out of line and run away as far and as fast as you can. Its hard to run away even if you are running to what you so desperately want.

I am struggling and at times I think I am failing myself. And if I am failing myself I only have myself to blame. I see the nothing that so many around me do and I hate it. Yet there are days when I look in the mirror and notice that I am barely moving at all. I AM trying though.

Its like an internal war that seems to have no end. Every odd day there's a new battle. Today I'd love to scream and cry and lay in bed. I'd love to step back into the line that I was born into. Thank God there are people that wont let me fall back in. Thank God I wont let myself fall back in, no matter how tempting the thought is.

I cant go back. Not today. Not ever again. So I am going to get dressed. I am going to walk to where I know that I need to be. After that I will let the feeling of knowing that I didnt back down wash over me. And I'll have a little bit more of myself back from the edge.

About art stuff

I'm an odd one. I paint and never show my paintings. I take pictures and never develop them. People often ask me to show them my stuff but I blow it off. I hardly have any of my art online. It just feels so weird to put all out there. That being said, I posted my favorite photo and painting any way.

I keep dreaming of selling my art and my photography. Its always on my mind. I didnt sell a painting last year. And while I took tons of pictures I never developed a roll. It makes me feel so sad. Its almost as though I have been denying myself the food and water I so desperately need to live. This year I will make up for that somehow.

Maybe I'll try and get a booth at the arts festival. Steve and his wife are always urging me to paint more so that they can buy more. Maybe I'll take them up on that. I've got my list of people that I can send my photos to, I just need to get them developed.

Where has the creativity gone? Reality television. Books as movies. Movies as books. The same 5 songs on the radio. Every boy and girl looking like every other boy and girl.

Its tragic.

I have a hangover. I dont want to go to work.

I want to scream.

We needed helmets in our old house. The ceiling was too low. Everything was loud. It was like living in a funhouse mirror. Somethings were big, some things were small.

I'm not jealous for the reasons he thinks. God, all today at work I had to hear my and Tyler's wedding song and pretend that everything was fine. 8 fucking hours!!!! Every 20 minutes or so there it was a slap in the face! I wanted to run away so fast.



He has it so easy. Him and his exes/friends/exes/whatever... he's friends with them all. It's not fair. Ryan wont talk to me unless him and his girlfriend are having problems. And Tyler is dead. I know that he says things like, "They are/were idiots...." but I loved them deeply. And I know he's trying to make me feel better but it doesn't. Either I am an idiot that devoted my whole self to idiots, and that brings up thoughts that I could be now. (I know I'm not) Or... Or I'm so forgettable. Or I have given so much of myself to people that were never worth my time.


...But then again, as usual, he could be right. Maybe they are/were idiots. Yeah, like all his exes are/were perfect. Whatever. I'm sick of caring. Why can't it all just go away???!!!!

It takes someone you really love to really hurt you. They know your insides. They know all the right buttons to push. And the next day they can wake up next to you smiling as though feelings were never hurt. Sometimes I don't know what to do with myself.

Oh god! That's all I can say about things I shouldn't talk about.

Rough Hands

I like Alexisisonfire... a lot.

Tuesday is my and Eric's one year anniversary. Cute.

Ho un segreto.

Is it true that all men have a "porn problem"? And if it's true are we as women suppose to just accept it as a fault? Obviously there are women that don't care. But I care. I always have and I am pretty sure that I always will. It makes me feel less of a woman. It's like what Carrie once said in Sex and the City of a man that had no idea what he was doing, "Its like masturbation with a women instead of your hand." That just so happens to be my exact feelings in relation to real life sex and porn. I mean come on now. My ex had a pretty bad porn problem. And that wasn't fun. But then again I think it opened my eyes to the world of men.

I don't know.

Anyway, on to something else that I have been curious about. When someone never really says hi, you get use to them never saying it, right? So what if one day they start saying hi every time they see you? Is it natural to wonder what their motives might be? Or have I become totally cynical and bitchy?

Yesterday was a very fun day. Alan, Chris, Eric and I went to the lake. I love Eric soooo much! Today my shoulders are burnt and I have 15 mosquito bites. But hey, it was worth it. We had so much fun.

Loving someone unconditionally is not always an easy task. There are some people in life that unconditional love comes without struggle, such as a parent or child or pet even. But there are some people that you tell yourself that you will love no matter what... unless this or this or that. But in all you want to love that person no matter what. Actually following through with loving them no matter what is the hardest part of it all.

I'm feeling depressed. I know something that I wish I didn't know. I wish I could go on blissfully oblivious. But I can't. Yet I can't bring myself to say anything either. So I pretend like I don't know. And when all is smiles and laughter I go along with it. But I know. Back in the corner of my mind and in my heart I know. I'm tired.

It's almost a year since Eric and I started dating. Cute, huh.

I love him very much. I feel that I could really be with him... forever. But I wont push. I wont say a word. I don't want him to feel pressured to feel the same way or to rush into anything. I just love him with every fiber of my being. I hope he loves me the same.

Nobody reads this stupid thing anyway. So....

Sometimes I wonder how someone can lie straight to your face. Are they doing it to protect themselves or to protect you? Or is that even relevant? Maybe they don't know they're lying? Heh. Some days I wish that I was naive. But I'm not. And I can't bring myself to let on that I know there is a lie behind someone else's eyes. And so I'm a liar too.

I don't know exactly what I'm trying to say, if anything at all. Just sorting through thoughts rolling around in my head. I suppose.

Wow. I picked a really dumb article to write my first real paper on. How do Eating Disorders and Alcohol Use Disorder Influence Each Other? Yeah, man, LAME! I have to bullshit my way through this one. The article is shit and my rough draft is due tomorrow. But I haven't got anything done for it.

Anyway, It's a billion and one degrees in our house. Eric and I had such a hard time sleeping. I think we've all pretty much had it with this place. There is so much that all of us have to compromise on. The downtown location is great. But everything else sucks. Time to move on. Our lease is up in September. Eric and I are looking for a place for ourselves. I'm so excited. I can't wait until it's just us. It will be so nice. I love that man so much. I can't imagine my life without him.

You know it's so strange how life turns out. For so long I tried to be someone that I wasn't. For Tyler, for my family, for Ryan, for my friends and everyone else in the world. It felt safe not to just be myself because for as long as I can remember I never thought that I was good enough. But know I know just how full of shit I was. Eric has helped me to step outside of myself. He doesn't care that I am not perfect. He just wants me to be happy and he wants me to be the best person that I can be no matter what that means or who that is. And I have to admit I feel so much more free than I ever have before.

Tyler is gone. Countless friends have gone on in life, some in death. Ryan left without really saying goodbye or even looking back. My siblings are scattered. There are times when I feel that I am left behind, left alone. But there is a place inside of me that refuses to believe that I am alone. There is a hope inside of me that has been born. And I can say that with all certainty that I am not alone and more importantly that I am enough.

Eric and I have started running together and I LOOOOOVVVEEEEE it! It's one thing I look forward to. I feel so much better about myself. I feel not as grumpy. I don't know. It's just amazing. And maybe it's not just the running either. Maybe it's something more.



I was just thinking about how happy I am with my life. I have a job that I love. Sure, there are times when I hate it but who doesn't hate their job every now and then? I am finally going to school. I have an awesome boyfriend. I have a perfect best friend in my bike. Things are great and I couldn't be happier.

I wake up so happy. Happy to be with Eric. He's amazing. Living together has been so much fun. He really is my best friend. I'm so glad we met.

Work is good... for the most part. I do enjoy working with books and people that love books. My coworkers are nice. But I'm getting older and the thought of being in retail another year just kills me. Such a waste for me. I decided today that I am going to do whatever it takes to get out of retail and into something that makes me happy. Something like art and photography. Or maybe writing a book or something. Who knows. I just need out of retail and into something that I'm more passionate about.

Remember me?

Remember me? How sad I was, how sad I've been. All these years.. so, so, sad. Now two years since HIS death and I am still affected. But I have accepted the excruciating pain of his loss as an everyday part of my life, every day part of me. Sometimes I look in the mirror and it is all I have not to scream. And other days it's easy for me to forget what his smile use to mean to me.
I met someone and we bonded. We connected. I felt safe and very happy. He brought me back to life. He brought me back to love. He made me remember my smile. We dated for a year. He was my best friend. He sometimes still is. We ended our relationship because it's what we had to do. No love loss there. It just wasn't mean to be.
Now I've met someone who I feel no shame, no fear, no sadness with. I feel more myself than ever. It's still hard for me to admit such a thing. After so long in loss, so long in pain, the idea of feeling my heat beat again is a death and rebirth in it's own right. The moment I set eyes on him I knew, I just knew, that I would love him like I swore I'd never love anyone again. And what I feel now is nothing close to what I ever felt for HIM. It's new. It's breathtaking and soul shaking. It feels like home.
And though I have learned to love yet again I still find it hard to forgive myself for pulling the plug. For all the hurt I caused and he caused in return. We had a life planned out and somewhere along the way the plan turned to ashes. I find it hard to believe still that I visit him in a cemetery. I might have moved on and learned to live like this. But I'll never be okay with him being gone. Never, never, never.

I am very much so happy with Eric. I love waking up next to him. I love falling asleep in his arms. I love sitting together doing crossword puzzles or cooking dinner. I even enjoy cleaning the room and kitchen for him. I know it's silly but I truly love doing anything with and for him. He makes me so happy.

Even though things are wonderful and I'm in love I am so stressed out. I have yet to get a job and to help out with any bills. I have yet to help save up for us to get out of this place. And it's wearing me down. I know it's wearing Eric down too. It's brought some added stress into our lives. God, I can't wait for things just be ok. For me to have a job and for Eric and I to have our own place with both our cats. Just to be living life and being happy and not stressing out so much about EVERYTHING. Sigh. This is the hard part.. getting to where we want to be.

I should be studying for my GED right now but I am too distracted. I should be working on getting my DL but I am too distracted. I should be apartment and job hunting but I'm tired. I feel like all I do while Eric is at work is look for apartments and jobs all day long. And as of yet nothing has worked out. Ugh. I would work at Blockbuster for now. Even if it was only $6.50 an hour but I have yet to hear back from them. I NEED A JOB! I think once I get a job things will start to get a little easier from there. I hate feeling like a bum. It makes me depressed. It makes me hate to look at myself in the mirror or to talk to anyone.

Anyway, will things ever fully work out for me? Or do I have to pick and choose between health, love, school, work, a nice apartment, etc. etc? It's always one good thing, the rest if shit.

I'm so happy. Eric and I are moving in together. We're currently looking for an apartment. I'm excited. I love him. I love being with him. I love everything about him. I feel such a freedom in this relationship that I have never known before. In past relationships I guess I felt obligated to be a specific person. But with Eric I can be myself. And that is the best part of all.

I wish the ex was happy. I wish we could be friends. But for now it just isn't so....

Oh God. I guess I'm linked. That means no more of that sappy, whiney shit anymore. Oh well. It's not good me anyway.

I'm sitting here in a tank and underwear. It's my new favorite thing to do. Just lounge around like this. Who needs clothes anyway?

I want my cake. I want to eat it too. They say I can only have one. I want them both.

I get paid tomorrow/today. This means DP! Finally! I've made up my mind to just go for it. I know it's not good for me. But what the hell isn't in this world anymore?! I need it.

I only wanted love. I thought I was free. But when the time arrived. I held the gun oh so very tightly. I shut my eyes and pulled the trigger. Now it's gone, gone, gone.

My cowards way is the only truth I know. I'm running, running from you. I'm running, running to you. I tried to turn back time. I tried make you disappear. But in the end I wept with nothing but regret. I'm just a stupid girl. With stupid hopes of love. A great gaping wound I show to very few.

What a fool. Oh, what fool. To believe it was ever possible. I opened up and let him in just to forget you. But as soon as the movement began I instantly hurt for you. I'm never forgetting this. An impossible dream that wont ever come close.

My mom asked me if I could clean up the dishes I used last night before I go to work in like 5 minutes. I asked her why and she said that so she didn't have to sit and look at them all day. Because she didn't want to worry about them. My first thoughts were "I'm sorry that you sit and look at dirty dishes all day and worry about them." It's only a pot, plate, fork and knife. But the last thing I want to do before I go to work is do the dishes, even those few. I'll do them when I get home from work. Am I bitch for this? I don't think so. I'm sure she'd be pissed if someone asked her to do the same before she had to work all day. Shiiiiiit.

I'm such a fucking whiner.

Surprise, surprise. I'm drunk again.

I'm such an IDIOT! Never let my gaurd down again. Never let a man disarm me again. Never, never, never.

It is highly possible that I am nervous about seeing Ryan today. Exactly one month ago Ryan said those words that oh so many people dread, "I think we should break up." It's been weird. I'm hoping that this little visit will clear things up with us. Because in all honesty I'm still pretty confused about things. A break, a break up, what? I don't get it.

We're going to see The Walkmen tomorrow night which also happens to be 6/6/06. I think it's pretty ridiculous that people are making such a big deal about it. But I guess if Satan does end up ruling the world I will feel pretty stupid about not taking it seriously. Heh.

I'm having a bit of an "episode" right now. For some reason I almost had a panic attack on my way down to my room after doing the dishes. I decided to take a shower before bed. While in the shower I just broke down and started crying. I hate it. Every second of every minute of these manic attacks I get. Tears are rolling down my cheeks right now. They wont stop.

I keep thinking of how big a waste my life has been. My mom always says that in therapy they always ask her if she could go back in time with all the knowledge she has now, if she could talk to herself when she was a child what would she say. I started thinking about that and it just made me feel worse. The only thing I could think to say to this little girl is, "There is nothing to look forward to."

Just look at that little girl. She probably thought things would get better for her not worse. It makes me sick. It makes me sad. I've always believed that it should have been me that died. I still feel that way. I don't know why I am still here. Every day is a struggle. A continual search for meaning. But there is no meaning. There is never a reason. It's all just bullshit. God, I wish I had the courage to just get it over with. I'm just afraid to find out what happens when you die.

Fuck. I'm trapped here. Trapped in my life, in my body. I just want to disappear.

I got about 2 1/2 hours of sleep. My alarm clock did not go off at all. Luckily the 15 minute work reminder on my phone woke me up. I enjoy going to work with crazy hair and sleepy eyes. I mean come on, who doesn't love that? Some of my co-workers were way too hyped up for it being 6 in the morning. Maybe they have a bit of a meth problem. Probably not but wouldn't that be so fucked up if some of them did? I should take a short nap before I have to go back in at 10.

I love that when I can't sleep I can just call Ryan up and chat with him until I get sleepy. No matter what time we always seem to have something to talk about. I love that about us. But then again what is this "us" buisness anyway? I shouldn't think too much about it. Just let things happen as they may. I guess I worry about losing love again. I worry about one more thing in my life not working out. I worry too much about it all. And that's just the way that I am.

My bed is calling me.

I can't sleep. Season two of Nip/Tuck is on tv. Eh, might as well watch it. I set my alarm clock for 5:15 am. A 6 am work meeting on a sunday? RIDICULOUS! But that's the way that the HD does buisness.

You know he always averts his eyes away from mine. I'm like a ghost in front of him. It intrigues the hell out of me.

I don't know what's going on with our relationship. Is it a relationship? What have we become? This whole thing is hard. I love Ryan. And I know I want to be with him. And I know his reasons for a break are valid. But I just keep feeling as though if he really wanted to be with me he would. Issues or not. Maybe I'm asking too much though. I probably am. I should just let things happen.... I don't know how to do that.

A 75 year old man came into my work tonight. He was having trouble using the pinpad for the credit card. So I helped him along and made a comment about it being picky. The man looked down at me and said, "It's like a woman. You have to touch it in just the right places to get it goin." I threw up a little in my mouth after that. Gross man.

My friend's genuis response to this story:
Haha, did you look to see if that old guy had a wedding ring, he sounds like a thoughtful and astute lover!

I love my friends.

Memorial Day

Tyler,
I miss you so much. Every time I think of you Black by Pearl Jam comes on the radio. We both know why. I love you always.
-me

I'm compulsive on every level. It's not happy thing.

here we go again

Another blog. One, two, three, four. Each contain pieces of me. Some I hope no one I know discover.

I'm sitting here drinking beer from a can with Legends Of The Fall as background noise. I love and hate this movie. It reminds me of Tyler. I hate this beer. Why am I drinking so much these days? A mamosa with dinner, a couple of beers this evening. Drinks this week. Drinks last week. More alcohol than I let on. It scares me. I remember how I use to be. The alcoholic in me is waking up. The "B Girl" is going dormant... for now. At least until I get my hands on some new dp.

I want what I can't have. I fear I am more like my father than I'd like to admit. Shit, the world is in big time trouble if that is true.

This is better than drunk dialing. It's drunk blogging.

To be in love again. To feel. To know what it is to live. To walk away from past heartaches. To have the wind lift me up and carry me toward a new light.
I am beyond happy.

Wow. Things have finally turned around.Life is beautiful. I am so happy.

Currently playing: Live at Benaroya Hall by Pearl Jam

- Around the bend -
The truth is I am not. And I am ok with that. I am really, REALLY, REALLY ok with that. My body is suffering the stresses of my emotions. They are falling out and bleeding inward. The tragedies I carry are too big for this body. So in return the endless stories come breaking through the surface. I am thankful that I am not. I know that at first I wanted it. Or at least I thought I wanted it. I know I only wanted the distraction from him.
There is a new friend. He makes me smile. He makes me laugh. I can talk to him easily. It's not forced. I don't feel that I have to put on a mask for him. I can be myself, even if at this time I don't know exactly who that is anymore. I like not feeling like I have to hide. He makes me want to be a better person. I know I have only talked to him online a few times but he has already had that kind of positive influence on me. He is so nice. He is just so adorable. I think that he would like that we are friends. I know that this new friend is the kind of person he would want me to know. And that is ok. I am glad that this new friend has entered my life now. I can't deny that I do have a slight crush on him. I don't want to rush and get attached to this new friend though. I don't want to chase him away. Maybe we'll only ever be friends. And that is ok. It really is. Making new friends with the same standards and goals for life is what I was looking for. And now I have found one. Or he found me. Anyway...
I was feeling sad earlier. I tried to write him the goodbye letter. I just couldn't do it. Instead I wrote him a short little birthday letter. His mom is going to put it on his grave for me on his birthday next week. I wont be here for his birthday. And I just don't know that I am ready to go back. It is all too much for me right now. I loved him so much. I wonder if he knows that. He has to know that. I miss him. I miss his friendship.

They all wonder why? Why him? What is so special about him? How do I answer that? I know what I could say but would it ever do him justice? I don't know. The words seem hollow.
The love of my life has set me free. I can breath again. Thank you.

I am a burden to everyone I know.

Currently playing: Ocean Avenue by Yellowcard

- One year, six months
I am still breathing. A friend called at the moment I thought the lights would go out. He called me out of my house. I couldn't say no. And I thank God I didn't stay home. That night was great. I felt ok. There was no anxiousness. I didn't feel alone. I didn't get sick at the thought of being out of my house. I didn't get sick at the thought of meeting new people. I felt really good. Peaceful. The horrible darkness I had been feeling slipped away. A friend saved me with his smile.
My thoughts are on him now. I wish they weren't. I don't like to look at my friends this way. I think I am just missing the feeling of being wanted. The feeling of loving. I realized that the only man on this planet that has ever loved me is gone. The only man that has ever looked at me the way a man looks at a woman when he is in awe of her. He is gone forever. And I feel naked in front of the world. The layers of life we built together are stripped down to bruised hearts. I do miss the feeling of being in love. I miss being in love with him. Even though I love him still it's not the same.
I am praying for another chance at life. A new start. A life that can move forward inspite of the huge gapping hole in my heart. I am praying for a new love. Not now but someday. I am praying for the courage to step out on my own. I am praying for the strength to pull myself up from the depths where I lay. I am praying for help because there is NO WAY I can do this on my own.
Out of the corner of my eye I see him. But he disappears before I get the chance to look him in the eyes. He comes to me in dreams. Does he hear me cry for him? Does he see me like this? I wonder what he thinks of me now. I wonder what he wants for me. Really, what kind of life would he want for me now? I wish I knew. I wish he would come and show me. I wish he could just tell me. I miss his voice.
I really don't get life. I don't know what it's for. Is there really a purpose? I don't know anymore.

Currently playing: The Man Comes Around by Johnny Cash

- Hurt
Why haven't I killed myself yet? Why haven't I swallowed this bottle of sleeping pills? What am I waiting for?
Everyday gets worse and worse. All I want to do is die. I feel my life is nothing but a waste of space, a burden to those around me. I feel that my purpose has been served and now I am nothing. I hate myself. I hate these feelings. I feel so fucking alone. REAL emptiness. It's like I see the light at the end of the tunnel and guess what? The light has turned out to be a train rushing to crush every bone in my body.
Nobody can stand to be around me anymore. No one can even look at me. No one wants to talk to me. They run as fast as they can away. They all hate me. They don't want me around anyway. They wouldn't miss me. They don't know me anyway. I don't know myself anymore either. So it's ok if I disappear.
I just want to die. This pain is taking over. I want to be with HIM again. But he had fucking die on me. He had to leave me alone. He had to leave me with yet another broken heart. I'm not alive anymore anyway.
FUCK IT!

Currently playing: In Love & Death by The Used

- I'm a fake
I am doubting my abilities all over again.
I threw out a pack of smokes last night. Did I really want to? I said no more alcohol. Did I really mean it? I said no more... Did I really believe it?
I don't know who I am or what I want anymore. There are times when I feel so close to something that seems so right but then I fall flat on my face. I wake with scraped knees and a bruised sense of self. I find myself running down empty hallways toward shadows and moonlight sliding down the walls. What is real anyway? Have I been wrong all along? Is this God just a figment of my imagination? I feel the world spinning out of control around me. No stop. No answers. Only questions. Worries. Fear. Screams. I am running, running, running toward something. I just don't know what it is.
I need out. This place is lonely. My heart feel heavy. How do I breath anymore? How am I even alive? I should have died years ago with the many bottles of pills. I should have died when I walked off that cliff in a moment of psychedelic bliss. I should have died in a missed ride home and a car accident. I should have died that night he found me hanging in the closet. I should have died when he broke my heart all these years. I should have died when he died. I should have died. I have no idea why I am here anymore. I don't want this place. I am selfish. I am tired. I just say fuck it. What a waste. What kind of life is this that always wants the lights to go out? I don't remember a time when I wasn't contemplating suicide.
Something is stirring up in me. I can't keep it hidden anymore. Are you prepared for this scream??? Life alter, bone shattering, soul shaking scream....
You don't really know me. But then again neither do I. I'll warn you when I figure out who she is. Because I have a feeling you will need that warning. She can't be anything but trouble.
Wow.

Currently playing: Pieces of You by Jewel

- Foolish Games
I finally e-mailed L. about the stress of this past month. I wasn't sure when he would get the e-mail. I don't know how often he gets to check his e-mail out there. I was surprised to see that he replied maybe 15 minutes after I sent the e-mail. I guess that is lucky. I probably would have gone crazy waiting for his reply.
I wasn't sure how he would handle the news. I took a deep breath and opened the e-mail. He was gracious, honest and caring. We both felt the same about the whole situation. It was a mistake. A line we never should have crossed. We never really got the chance to talk about things before he left for Thailand. And with his reply he answered so many questions and worries. He showed me just how wonderful a friend he is to me. I felt so much reading his words. I know it must have been hard for him to find the words. After I read the e-mail I just broke down and cried. I cried for so many reasons. But I guess the main reason was because I finally felt that he still did care. He still respected me and our friendship. The past month I have worried that maybe all that was lost. It meant so much to me to feel that again.
A huge weight has been lifted from my soul.

That's easy for YOU to say, you are already dead.
And again I am ending another night with suicidal thoughts.

Currently playing: In Love & Death by The Used

- I AM A FUCKING FAKE -

I feel fucking sick! I need to get out of this place. I need to run away. I can't do this anymore. Everyday thoughts of suicide come crashing down on me. One good thing is followed by two bad. I hate this. I want to fucking scream!

I want to slice my wrists open. Fuck this.

Again I am nothing more than a burden to everyone I know. Worthless.

Currently playing: Pieces of You by Jewel

- Adrian
I feel it more and more as the days go by. My body is already changing. The signs are EVERYWHERE. I close my eyes and I see the life crystal clear. I find myself searching for answers in all the wrong places. And yet in those wrong places I seem to find what I am looking for. I know that in the right place, in God, the answer will be shown to me. Maybe I am too afraid to know for certain.
I feel that if it is true I will have to finally get my shit together and start living again. I've been in a daze the past two and a half months. I've been allowing myself to drown in my sorrows. If and when this truth is revealed to me I will have to step up to the plate. I will have to move forward. There is no room for these sorrows in the life that waits for me. It is one thing to always carry him in my heart but it's another to let the grief I feel over losing him take my life down.
I also feel that if I get the unexpected answer that I will lose it. I know I will feel sorrow over something I never even had. I will have another reason to cry. Something more to my already broken heart. Something to help push me farther down into this abyss.
I really want it. I didn't think I would. But as time has slowly faded into yesterdays I find myself dreaming of it. I find myself feeling a great sense of hope. I know that I could do it. I already have it planned out. I know that if it was real that things would be ok. I know I would be teriffied at first of what people might say. People that mean so much to me. I am frightened of what they will think. Will they still love me? My insides say yes. Will they understand? I don't know the answer to that question.
I know it would be beautiful. How could a new life be anything else.

Currently playing: Hands Down by Dashboard Confessional

- -
I fucking hurt. This song is breaking my heart. I listened to it the other night and felt chills up my spine and him near me. Tonight the song is killing me. I am thinking of them together listening to this song. I am hating every moment. I am brought back to the night before his funeral. Reading his journal. The first part about me. The last half about her. Reading the poem he wrote about them together on that first night. Makes me sick. Makes me want to shred up my wrists. Makes me want to scream at him. Makes me want to die. I hate that he was with her. I am so fucking pissed. I feel forgotten. I hate that he felt that we never extended ourselves toward one another over the past five years. And apparently he did with her. I hate it. I fucking hate it. WHY?! I hate this feeling. Feeling like he doesn't care. Like I didn't mean anything to him. And he's gone now. I can't call him up and ask him what the fuck. No, I have to sit here in this heartache and wonder.
I have been missing him like crazy. I have been wanting to be near him. I have not gone a single day without him in my thoughts. I want him back. I want him back in so may ways. I miss him.
My heart is broken. I feel alone. I feel unimportant to him. I feel jealous of him and her. I feel like dying. I want to die. I want to scream. I want to run away. I want to cry always.
I wonder how he feels about me now.
I listen to Pearl Jam. Eddie telling me "no matter how cold the winter, there's a springtime ahead." Well it hurts to hear those words. Words that pierce my soul. Lyrics that drain it all out. The realization that I am still breathing even though my heart is shattered. Listening to the songs that he use to sing to me. And now I cry. I cry suddenly without warning. Is it him? Is it me? I feel broken down.
I just love him so much and I hurt without him. I am not sure how to do this. How do I move on? How do I smile? It's only been two months. Some days it feel like it's been years. Other days it feels like it was just yesterday. Some days I can bear life. Other days I just hate him. And most days I just miss him like crazy.
I don't feel whole anymore.

I miss him so much. It's been a month and a half. I haven't been doing very well the past week. Christmas. New Years. I brokedown and cried. I brokedown and made myself disappear. I have shamed myself. I wish I would have hugged him more. I wish I was a better wife and friend to him. I have so many regrets. SO many things I wish I would have done differently. I miss his voice. I miss his hugs. I miss so much about him. It kills me to know that the heroin finally took him.
GOD I LOVED HIM!

She use to watch him sleep. She use to fall into the very depths of emotion just being near him. She fell to pieces watching him slip away. He held the world up for her even as he sank to the bottom. A last breath and she felt him rip the canyons of love she had for him away into his heaven. He was gone. Life suddenly took on new meaning. New ache.

How does she breath knowing his body no longer carries his soul? She searches for him in familiar places and stranger’s faces. Always hoping for him to return to him in dreams and whispers. The silence resonates deeper in her as days turn to weeks. Did he love her as she loved him… in the end? Questions and worry fill up the holes in her heart.

The life he could have lived drives her to live and breath for them both. Sometimes she feels him loving her, comforting her from the dark places she hides. She remembers him not as the hollow boy he allowed himself to become but as the man she always knew that he was. She never gave up on him. Even as he fell and broke her heart time and time again she never gave up. He could have been something wonderful.

Even as she hopes for a life lived for them both she feels fear. The kind of fear that could paralyze her broken heart. Everything she sees, everything she feels, everything she was is forever changed. She knows her life will continue forward but the sadness she feels for what could have been will always remain.

She feels herself rushing towards the day they will meet again. A day she couldn’t comprehend as anything more than GOING HOME. Twenty-two years is not long enough. Twenty-two years is a tragedy. Does he watch her now as she sleeps as she did throughout the years? She can only hope he does. And that’s the way he would want her to stay, ALWAYS HOPEFUL.


You are gone now. I never really thought things would end like this. I knew that I always had a fear of you falling to sleep and not waking up. That fear came to life as your own life slipped away. My heart aches like never before. Even as I felt like I hated you I always loved you. I wanted you to continue on with your life and find peace. Now I am missing the idea of the life you could have had. I am missing you.

This picture entitled Ophelia speaks volumes to me

Alive

It's been hard. I finally realized that this is truly going to be a day by day process. Some days I am ok and I hold onto that feeling for as long as I can. Some days I feel as though I can barely breath. On those days I hold back the tears from staining my cheeks red. I write and I write. My journal is full of everything that's been going on inside me over the past month and a half. I have always kept a journal but it wasn't until now that I actually used it like I have been. A private place to heal.

Tyler's family has been so, so great to me. I am blown away by the love and support they have shown me. Some days Judy and I will just sit and talk for hours. Tyler's little brother, Kyle, looks EXACTLY like Tyler did when we met. He's the same age as Tyler was when we met. It's strange to be around him. I try not to look at Kyle to often because I find myself staring going back to the early days of Tyler and my relationship. And I don't want to weird him out with my dreamy eyed stares.

This experience has shown me who my real friends are. I don't have as many friends as I thought I did. That's the part that hurts the worst. But then again as least I know. I do know that a real friend is NEVER too busy to care. The few friends that I have take the time out to call me up and just say hi. It truly means the world to me.

I need a lifestyle change. This has become so very obvious to me. Just look at all that I have lost in my current lifestyle. My reckless, careless, drug and alcohol induced sorry excuse for a life. I lost two kids, my marriage, my husband, friends, my health, my sanity, my self-worth and self-respect. That is too much. It hasn't been worth it. I do know that I cannot change the past but I CAN learn from this. What a waste it would be if I didn't learn from this experience. My eyes are wide open now.

I wrote this the other day, one of my really hard days:

She use to watch him sleep. She use to fall into the very depths of emotion just being near him. She fell to pieces watching him slip away. He held the world up for her even as he sank to the bottom. A last breath and she felt him rip the canyons of love she had for him away into his heaven. He was gone. Life suddenly took on new meaning. New ache.

How does she breath knowing his body no longer carries his soul? She searches for him in familiar places and stranger’s faces. Always hoping for him to return to him in dreams and whispers. The silence resonates deeper in her as days turn to weeks. Did he love her as she loved him… in the end? Questions and worry fill up the holes in her heart.

The life he could have lived drives her to live and breath for them both. Sometimes she feels him loving her, comforting her from the dark places she hides. She remembers him not as the hollow boy he allowed himself to become but as the man she always knew that he was. She never gave up on him. Even as he fell and broke her heart time and time again she never gave up. He could have been something wonderful.

Even as she hopes for a life lived for them both she feels fear. The kind of fear that could paralyze her broken heart. Everything she sees, everything she feels, everything she was is forever changed. She knows her life will continue forward but the sadness she feels for what could have been will always remain.

She feels herself rushing towards the day they will meet again. A day she couldn’t comprehend as anything more than GOING HOME. Twenty-two years is not long enough. Twenty-two years is a tragedy. Does he watch her now as she sleeps as she did throughout the years? She can only hope he does. And that’s the way he would want her to stay, ALWAYS HOPEFUL.

I felt that it was a gift from Tyler. I just started writing without even thinking and that was what I saw on the paper.

I'm going to Arizona for Christmas weekend. I need a little bit of a break. I'll be ok it is just going to take time.

Ignore my last two posts. I am just in a really messed up place. I don't know. Everything I feel is so extreme. I have been flipping out on everyone lately. I guess this is grief.

hopeless

I just want to die. I just want to die. I just want to die.

I hate myself and you and I want to die!

I just don't care anymore. I am so fucking sick and tired of everyone telling me things get better and to have a positive attitude. I am sick and tired of people telling me they know how I feel when in reality they have no clue. I am sick and tired of people thinking that they can save me from this grief. I am sick and tired of people thinking that they can share their past grief with me and that somehow that makes me feel less alone. I am just fucking sick of it all.

YOU HAVE NO RIGHT! You have no idea how I feel or what I am going through. Yes, I am aware of the fact that I am choosing to be self-destructive. I am doing this my way. Maybe it's not healthy but I just don't care enough anymore. You don't know the details of my life. You really don't know anything about me. And the pieces that you have seen in me are nothing. I am not the person you think I am. My life has been an endless storm of tragedies and sorrows. Sometimes I wish I could just put it all out there for you to see but I don't know you and I simply don't care to share those secrets anyway. Those of you that TRULY know me don't have to ask or question or judge. It's so easy for you to tell me things get better but it never really does, does it?! It's all a lie. One blow after the other. There is only so much a person can take before they throw up their hands and say FUCK IT! I've reached that point.

I just want to fucking die. Goodbye and fuck you.

Who the hell do I trust now? Everyone I know lies to my face.

This is the rage!

I really despise Melissa now. I have found out some truly fucked up things about her. Things that make me want to kill her. She is a liar. A fake. A desperate whore. A sad little person trying to take away from what Tyler and I had and make it her own. She makes me sick! She pretends to be my friend. Pretends to understand where I am coming from. She tells me all I want to hear so that I will tell her all I feel and all my memories. Then she twists it all up and makes it her own and spreads it like wild fire across this little valley.

Now it is believed that Tyler had a shrine of my poems, letters and pictures as well as poems he had written to her in that bathroom with him when he overdosed. Now it is believed that he didn't overdose on accident but intentionally. Because of something I told that bitch. Something personal I found the night I stayed in Tyler's room. I have found out that she cheated on Tyler every chance she got with his friends. She was actually screwing one of Tyler's best friend's when he overdosed. They wouldn't answer their phones and he knew what was going on. She played it off as though her and Tyler talked all day and blah, blah. She lied in her statement to the police about Tyler beating the crap out of her. She use to get drunk and beat the shit out of him. She gave him two black eyes. His mom confirmed all of this to me today.

I am so upset. I know I shouldn't be because we were seperated but come on. I loved him! And all I ever wanted was for him to be happy. She led me to believe that they were so perfect together. That they were happy. Tyler told me they were happy but in finding things out I now know he was just trying to keep me from worrying about him. He knew that I would. I love him still. I feel him with me all the time.. comforting and protecting me. He was my best friend. Someone I could always turn to. Someone that knew me better than anyone else in this world.

Pisses me off to know that she hurt him like that. Pisses me off to know that she has lied to my face. I want to hurt her. FUCK!

So you wanna know how I am? The answer is simple... not good.

It's really starting to hit me that he is gone. There are memory triggers everywhere. I can't stop crying. I have had two dreams with him in them. One, he was warning and protecting me against false friends. I still don't know who those friends are. The one last night he was reassuring me that he did love me and that I meant a lot to him, even in the end. I woke up happy and then I got really, really depressed. He is still gone.

I am moving out of my apartment tonight and into my mom's. I think about going to work and then I flip out.

I am a mess.

I love him so, so much.

Extra long and boring post

Thanksgiving was nice. I spent the first part of the day with The Grays. They were so wonderful to me. Tyler's little brother Kyle looked exactly like Tyler when we first started dating. I had to do a double take every time I looked at him. God, I love his family.

I spent the latter part of the day with my family. We had a good Thanksgiving this year. It was how I always pictured it to be. We all helped in making dinner. Then we watched Harry Potter. It was a good night. I just barely escaped the "This is what I am thankful for" portion of both dinners. I am sure I would have lost it or made a fool out of myself. Also, my sisters and I watched The Sixth Sense that night and I balled my eyes out. Yeah... that aside things were bareable.

It snowed today. The snow makes me think of Tyler. He was so close to the first snowfall of the year. He would have loved it. It was simply beautiful and peaceful to watch it fall this morning. GOD! I have my good moments and my bad moments. And then I have my moments when I am totally numb. I hung out with my little sister last night. I felt bad for feeling good. If that makes any sense. Sometimes I forget he is gone and I hate myself for that. I did feel him with me last night. I was standing alone looking up at the moon and I felt him give me a big hug. It was so nice yet it made me miss him even more. I want to go to his grave again but I am afraid.

I don't know what to say to people anymore. I feel fake. My body aches all the time. I hardly ever dream anymore. My days blur together. Time doesn't seem to matter. I feel empty.. hollow. I feel alone. Everyone wants to talk to me about this but I just can't.. not yet.

Something to pass the time...

PAST.
-first grade teacher's name: I don't remember
-last word you said: bye
-last song you sang: Pieces of You by Jewel
-last thing you laughed at: My sister last night
-last time you cried: All I do is cry

.PRESENT.
-what's in your cd player: The Used
-what color socks are you wearing: My white tube socks with baby blue stripes.
-what's under your bed: Pictures
-what time did you wake up today: 7:30 and then noon.

.FUTURE.
-what is your career going to be: Maybe a writer?
-where are you going to live: Oregon but I'll always come back to Utah
-how many kids do you want: I don't know anymore
-what kind of car will you drive: Maybe a jeep

.CURRENT.
-current hair: Straight and clipped back
-current clothes: Grey and pink converse, dark jeans, white t-shirt, black long-sleeve overshirt, black hoodie and jean jacket.
-current jewelry: My wedding band and my blue barbell
-current annoyance: Everything
-current smell: Merry Melon Lipgloss
-current longing: Tyler
-current desktop picture: Blackness... nothing
-current favorite music artist: Jewel
-current book: My old journals
-current worry: Too many things..
-current hate: Myself
-story behind your username: hippiejua - Spike and what's his name gave it to me. I don't know???
-current favorite article of clothing: My black overshirt. Tyler gave it to me because it shrunk in the wash and he couldn't wear it anymore.
-one person you wish was here right now: Tyler... who else..
-line from the last thing you wrote to someone: What's up?
-i am happiest when: I don't fucking know anymore
-i feel lonely when: ALL THE TIME!
-favorite authors: Not sure
-do you think too much: Yes.. YES...YES!!!
-if you could live anywhere in the world, where: In my own cabin on the top of a mountain overlooking the ocean. I don't know.
-famous person you have met: Who fucking cares
-do you have any regrets: Always
-sex or love: LOVE.
-favorite coffee: Iced carmel soy latte
-favorite smell: Him
-what makes you mad: LIFE
-favorite way to waste time: livejournal, smoking, drinking and texting my friends
-what is your best quality: Everyone says I am strong. I don't know what the fuck that means.
-are you currently in love/lust: Always in love.
-what's the craziest thing you have ever done: Gotten married to my heroin addict boyfriend
-any bad habits: Pessimisim and chain smoking
-do you find it hard to trust people: Yes and no
-last thing you bought yourself: More minutes for my pieces of shit pre-paid cellphone.
-bath or shower: shower
-favorite season: Every season has it's charms.
-favorite color: BLACK
-favorite time of day: When I don't hurt
-gold or silver: Silver
-any secret crushes: That's the last thing on my mind

.FASHION.
-how many coats and jackets do you own: Too many
-do you wear a watch: I do. You wanna know something weird. It died the day Tyler did. I can't seem to take it off now.
-favorite pants color: Jeans
-most expensive item of clothing: Still my Betsy Johnson dress
-most treasured: My black overshirt

.YOUR FRIENDS.
-do your friends know you: Not at the moment
-what do they tend to be like: Most are great but some are kinda lame
-can you count on them: Sometimes
-can they count on you: Sometimes... not now

.LAST.
-last book you read: The Notebook
-last movie you saw: Shrek 2
-last movie you saw on the big screen: Polar Express
-last show you watched on tv: Retrosexual on VH1
-last song you heard: I can't remember
-last thing you had to drink: Dr Pepper
-last thing you ate: A Hersheys Kiss
-last time you showered: The other day when I cared
-last time you smiled: Last night with my sister
-last person you hugged: My mom
-last person you kissed: That was a long time ago... it doesn't matter now
-last person you talked to online: Nico maybe???
-last person you talked to on the phone: Joel, he bitched about his job and avoided any mention of Tyler

.DO YOU.
-smoke: All the fucking time
-do drugs: Sometimes
-drink: More than a person in my state should
-sleep with stuffed animals: No
-play an instrument: No
-believe there is life on other planets: Yes
-read the newspaper: I use to but now I am afraid to because who knows who else I'll find in the obituary section
-have any gay or lesbian friends: Yes
-believe in miracles: Yes
-consider yourself tolerant: Sometimes
-consider police a friend or foe: Both
-like the taste of alchohol: Too much
-have a favorite stooge: No
-believe in astrology: Yeah
-believe in magic: Sometimes
-pray: Yes
-go to church: No
-have any secrets: Yes
-have any pets: Not anymore
-go or plan to attened college: Yes... the plan is for sooner than later
-talk to strangers: Sometimes
-have any piercings: Eyebrow
-have any tattoos: Nope
-hate yourself: How could I not?
-wish on stars: Yes
-like your handwriting: Never!
-believe in witches: Yes
-believe in ghosts: Yes
-believe in santa: Yes
-believe in the easter bunny: Not really
-believe in the tooth fairy: No
-have a second family: Tyler's family
-sing in the shower: No, I cry instead


Well.. that was thoughrally unhealthy.

Anyway, here are a few pictures from last night with my little sister Andrea. She lives in Texas right now. She is too cute and knows how to make me laugh and have a good time even if I don't want to. Don't let my smile fool you though. I am not the same as I was before. Therefore that smile is changed and you wont unerstand it like I do.

Drunk... yeah that's me.

I hung out with Melissa yesterday. We had a really good talk. Things are ok with us. We got a lot of things out.

Anyway.... back to being a drunk girl.

A MESS! A MESS!! A MESS!!!!!

"Live your life as though it were your last day because one day it will be."


Tyler's gray day...


















I am not doing that great. Actually I am really depressed. I can hardly move. I wont answer my phone. I am freezing and yet I don't even care. I don't care if I fall. I burnt myself today and I didn't feel a thing. Why should I care about physical pain? There is a pain worse than that and I am enduring it right now. Everyone says to keep busy but I just can't seem to force myself to function. I don't care right now.

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one

Longboarding down the canyon till 6 am was exactly what I needed.

.....then I puked.

I'm a MESS!!!

Today (well yesterday if you look at the time) was the day that we buried my sweetheart into this earth. I slept in his bed last night. I read through some of his things and discovered some sad truths about the past month of his life. If I had only known I would have been there. I know it's ridiculous to dwell on What if's. But I guess this was the way it was meant to be. His time had come. I have feared this day for years. I use to have nightmares about his death and I would stay up all night watching him to make sure that he was still breathing. Now he is with God. I know that must be wonderful for him yet at the same time I can't deny the aching in my heart.

Today I broke down more times than I can count. Seeing him peaceful in his beautiful wooden casket. Saying goodbye and watching the strange man close the casket on him. Hearing his family speak of him during the service. Seeing the friends he loved yet feared would end up just as he. Seeing our love blossom in the hearts of our two wonderfully happy children. His casket being carried by his brothers and cousins to his final resting place. Friends and family showering me with endless hugs. Returning to his grave with his wonderful mother and father and his siblings. I lost it. Without a doubt I lost my mind and my heart. All emotions were set a blaze today.

I am still in shock over this. I can't help but think that he is at home writing a poem. I keep waiting for this nightmare to end. I never knew emotions like this even existed and again he is was the one to show me the full depths of my heart.

To be honest I don't know how I feel. If anything I am a mess. I know life goes on but how and when does this occur? I feel so confused about my life. I want to run away from all that I know. I want to pretend that everything is ok. To be honest the thought of cutting sounds so pleasant. The thought of starving myself sounds great. The thought of eating again in a bing and then purging sounds safe. The thought of drowning my sorrows in altered states sounds right. Self-destruction is so familiar to me in times of heartache. Yet this is a pain I have never known before and I have no idea how to deal or pretend to deal with it. I am lost.

Yet in me I feel a sense of freedom. All my fears have been washed clean. I could climb Mt. Everest or jump out of a plane and know that I would be ok. I want to live and do all that he never did. I want to do everything he ever thought I could do. The fear I feel is the fear of feeling emotional heartache.

Tonight I will teach my friend to longboard. Then I will go down the canyon myself in remembrance of him. I know he would like that. I know he would hate that I am drunk. I know that he would understand my desire to escape the burdens of pain though. And I can only pray that he forgives me.

Time.... that is all I have. I have a feeling it will be many years before I meet him again.

I wrote the following poem for him tonight:

I wish I were a
tree
For your soul
could blow through my
Autumn leaves
and bring me to
LIFE
once more.

Nothing else seems to matter. Or at least the things I use to think mattered have suddenly become trivial. I want to hug everyone. I want to know who people really are. I want to make amends were it is needed. I want to feel the kind of peace that Tyler must be feeling in every aspect of my life.

I am so very changed. I feel different in every way. The way I see myself in the mirror. The way I look at people. My thoughts. I haven't been dreaming the past week. I can't eat. I lose my train of thought in a heartbeat. Good changes and bad changes. But no matter what it is still change.

I was reading through letters that we had written each other over the years. It made me so happy to see that Tyler had written FOREVER or FOREVER LOVE in almost every letter where I had signed my name. I went into his room the other night and saw that he had a picture of me on the nightstand next to his bed. It was one that he use to keep in his wallet. Maybe he was going to put it away with the letters or the rest of the pictures. I don't know but I was so glad that he had it out. He had seen me recently.

Tonight I will be staying at The Gray's. I will be sleeping in his bed. I wonder if I will dream of him and us and what once was. Tomorrow I fear I will lose it. Hopefully he will help me get through the day.

Someone asked me why I am wearing my wedding ring if we were getting divorced. I told them that it was because my ring symbolizes forever love. He was my best friend. He inspired me in so many ways. He made me the person I am today. Even though we were getting divorced it wasn't because we didn't love each other. It was exactly the opposite. We loved each other so much that we had to let each other go. We wanted to see where the future would take us. He even said to me once that maybe we were always meant to be together and that maybe we would end up together in the end. We loved each other so much. And we only wanted the other to be happy. I am wearing my ring in remembrance of the love that we shared even up until now. It will never die. Forever love truly means forever.

God be with me tomorrow.

His obituary was in the paper today. The link to it is below.
Tyler.

His family has been sooo wonderful to me. His brother is the morning dj at the local high school radio station and he dedicated a song to me and Tyler yesterday. I love them so much.

Sky's 4th birthday is today. Four years ago we brought our son into this world. Four years ago we gave him the chance at a real life. I only wish Sky could have know Tyler as a man. They will be at the funeral. I am afraid to see them. Seeing my daughter smile and Sky hug me. I might lose it. They have so much of both of us in them.

I am different now. Forever changed.

I don't really know what to say anymore.

He has wings now

He has a soul.. free
A place beyond tomorrow
Bigger than today
Yesterday's memory is all I've got
left of him
Or so I thought
until I found a feather on my pillow.

How do I write this? My entire body is trembling and my eyes are swelled up with tears. How do I say that on November 14th 2004 at 10:39 am I watched the great love of my life take his very last breath. Tyler Stillwell Gray is gone. My husband. My best friend. The ultimate love of my life is gone. He went to a place that I cannot even begin to fathom.

He overdosed on heroin Saturday night. I spent the entire night with his mother and father. We sat by his side till the very end. He was a vegetable. The only part of his brain that was still functioning was the part that told him to breath and even that part needed help. He had tubes and wires everywhere. I knew exactly when he left his body. His mother Judy and father Russell and I had just barely walked into the room. He opened his eyes. Those beautiful brown eyes of his. Judy and I walked closer to his bed. Judy called out Tyler's name. The nurse came in and we asked her if he could see us. I knew that he could. Then his heart stopped and he left his body.

Judy quickly grabbed my hand rushed us out into the hallway. They worked on him for half an hour. I guess she felt that neither of us could handle it. At that moment when I was crying in her arms I closed my eyes and I saw Tyler. Not the Tyler that was weak and dying in the room next door. But Tyler. His spirit. He was strong and healthy and beautiful. I closed my eyes even tighter hoping to hold onto that vision of him. He walked over to me and gave me a big hug. The kind of hug that he gave me after our first kiss. The kind of hug he gave me after we placed our children in the arms of their parents. The kind of hug he gave me the last time we saw each other. Strong and calm. Beautiful and meaningful. Safe. I felt his arms around me. Then I opened my eyes and looked at Judy crying. We held each other tight and I felt Tyler wrap his arms around Judy and me. I heard him say, and I know he was smiling when he said it, MY GIRLS. I heard him say that. He didn't leave then though. His heart started to beat again.

Judy and I stayed with him through the night. My parents were there for a while but I told them they could leave. They knew there was nothing they could do for me then and that I just needed that time with him. Russell left later. So it was just Judy and me watching over him all night. There was a moment when Judy left the room. I took that time to walk over to him and tell him how much I loved him and that I would always love him. Then I brushed my hand across his face. I wanted to kiss his forehead but I didn't. I knew he was there. I knew he could hear me. I knew it meant a lot to him that I stayed. I didn't sleep at all that night.

The next morning was hard. He was getting weaker. He had pneumonia and his body temperature sky rocketed. One of his lungs had collapsed. Russell arrived around 7 am. The three of us sat with him more. Then the time came. Russell and Judy walked out of the room and talked to the doctor. I just looked up at Tyler with tear filled eyes. I kept telling him how much I loved him. That I always would. I told him that I meant forever and ever when we exchanged rings a little over a year ago. And even though we were going our separate ways the love I had for him was still as deep as it ever was. I put my wedding ring back on then. I have it on still. And I wont take it off until I feel ok without it. Maybe it's a mistake but for me, in these moments that I am living in, it's the world. My forever changed world.

Judy and the nurse came into talk to me. I knew it was coming. The nurse explained to me that there was little hope and that even if by some miracle they could save him he would only ever be a vegetable. I knew that Tyler wouldn't have wanted that. He was the type of person that loved to climb mountains and ski down them. He liked to hike and camp and longboard down the canyon. He loved to write and analyze. He loved conversation and affection. He was an adventurer. He was ready to go home. It was the hardest thing in the world for me. I looked over at him and began to cry. But I could feel Tyler sitting with me. He let me know that it was ok and that he was ready. He gave me the strength and the courage to let go and I said ok.

While they took the tubes from his body I called my mom and let her know what was going on. She said she would be there in a while. I told her not to rush. This was going to be one of the most sacred experiences of my life and I wanted it for myself. She understood that.

I walked back into the room and Judy wrapped her arms around me. Russell stood at the head of the bed. They finished pulling the tubes from his body and Judy turned my head away. She didn't want me to see. She didn't want that to be apart of this for me. The nurses cleaned him up and then left us alone behind a glass door and a curtain. Judy pulled up a chair for me and I sat right next to him. Judy put her arms on my shoulders and stood behind me. The nurses said it could be an hour before he finally passed. I was so afraid when I heard that. Could I last an hour watching him struggle for breath? Judy told him that we loved him. Russell was silent and I knew he was crying. I wondered what he was thinking watching his son dying. I couldn't take my eyes from Tyler though. I tickled his arm just like I had thousands of times before through out these past five years. I know he liked that. I held his hand. I always loved his hands. He liked to watch me examine the beauty in his hands. So strong and beautiful. Gentle and skilled. Warm and full of character. I couldn't say anything. Yet I couldn't help myself from thinking, "I love you Tyler. I love you so much. I have always loved you. I always will love you. I love you Tyler..." Over and over. I KNOW he heard me. I can't explain how but I know that he did. There is no doubt in my head or my heart about that.

His breaths were heavy and hard. They were slowing down. It almost seemed like minutes before he would breath again. Then 15 minutes after they took him off the machines I watched him take his last breath. I saw all that was left in Tyler rise up from his body and drift off. I saw the change and pulled my hand away from him. I was scared. His body tensed up, his lips faded to white, his skin turned blotchy and yellow and then white. Goosebumps up and down his body. I'll never forget that. At that very moment when he took his last breath in this life I felt a pain in my chest, in my heart, that I never knew could exist. It felt as though my heart was literally being ripped out of my chest. That was Tyler taking a piece of me with him. When he left I wanted to scream and freak out. I cried out and buried my head in Judy's stomach. And at that moment when I thought I could break I felt Tyler hug me and say goodbye. I felt a kiss on my cheek and when I looked up to see who was there there was no one. The sun broke through the clouds on that rainy Sunday. It's rays filled up the room and I felt the warmth and beauty of the place that Tyler was going. I knew then that he was ok.

The three of us sat with him. We agreed that he was finally at peace and that his battles were over. I cried and I cried. Even though I know he is in a better place I can't help but miss him. Missing the idea that he was going to move on with his life and find happiness here in this lifetime. Missing knowing that he is somewhere writing a poem or hiking up to find a new view. Missing the future he could have had. Missing his life. Missing him. We stayed with Tyler for a while. I know that we were the three people that he most wanted there at his side and Judy confirmed that to me. The hardest part was walking out of the room. Letting go. I didn't want to and I still don't.

We walked out to see Tyler's girlfriend. I turned away when I first saw her. I couldn't do it just then. But somehow I managed to turn around and give her a hug. Then she said to me through tears, "We both loved him." It's true. We did love him in our own way.

It has been so hard. Harder than I ever thought anything could be. One moment I am numb staring out the window or at the wall the next I am balling my eyes out. You know all the hurt and anger and pain that we caused each other has disappeared. I felt it leave my body and my heart yesterday. We didn't have the best relationship and it wasn't always easy. I mean he screwed with my heart and hurt me worse than anyone ever has but I loved him. And I know that he loved me too. I don't care that when we last saw each other he said it was more of an attachment than love. Last night I read through letters and poems he had written me, my journals and pictures. There was love there. Deep love. You can't fake that sort of thing. He lied when he said it was an attachment. I felt it as I read through it all last night. I know that he is sorry for having said that.

I am flooded with memories and emotions. I am so grateful for the past five years. I am grateful for him entering my life. We have shared so much together. We became best friends. I read a quote once that said, "Love is friendship set on fire." I believe that with all my heart. Our relationship started with friendship and within hours there was love. So many memories. And all the bad have left me. Maybe because I have spent the past few months remembering them that they finally too died. Now all I have is those special moments that no one could ever know about. The words he whispered to me when he thought I was sleeping. The way I would catch him staring at me with a great big smile. The way it felt to be in his arms. The times we comforted each other. His touch. His smell. His smile. The way he felt in my arms. The way we loved each other. Even though I have said at times that I hate him... I never really did. I always loved him. It just hurt so much to love him and not be with him. Just like now. Only now I feel safe in saying I love him.

I thought it was hard trying to move on with my life before he died. Now it feels worse. How do I do this? How do I live and move on knowing that he will never do all that he ever wanted to do in this life? He would have been a wonderful father. He could have done something great with his life. God it hurts so much to know that his life is over.

I don't know how I feel. I don't know what to do. I feel so lost. My heart aches. Last night as I lay crying in my bed I thought I felt him beside me telling me it was ok. I know he is with me. I have felt him from time to time since yesterday. I realized that this is the time of year that he would have wanted to leave. Fall just before the snow falls. This is his time of year.

I went to The Gray's today. I stood in front of their house and froze. I began to cry. He was never going to be there again. He would never say hi and hug me ever again. He wasn't up in his room. He wasn't downstairs watching The Simpsons or Seinfeld. He wasn't there. My mom helped me to the door. Judy answered. I just lost it and she held me in her arms. She told me that she was so glad that I came by. I gave her some ideas for the funeral services. One was to have a poem of his in the service program. She loved that idea. I gave her the very first poem that he ever wrote for me. She loved it. Then she copied it down. Sarah and Tim might sing at the funeral as well. Tyler always loved to hear Sarah sing. And he loved Tim. Tim, Tyler and I had some really great times together when we all lived in this awful, small basement apartment. Judy said she would talk to Russell about it. Hopefully it works out.

The Gray's have been really great to me. They have welcomed me into their home and into their lives with open arms. I have been apart of their family for so long. And they have never left me out. I love them and I am so grateful for them.

Like Tyler once wrote to me in a letter there will always be pieces of us living on through Sky and Solee. Long after we are gone they will be there and their children and their children. The love we once had is alive and breathing. How wonderful is that? We are lucky.

The funeral is on Friday at 11 am. The viewing will be at 9 am. He is going to be buried in Lehi. I'll have more details later.

The love of my life is gone. I am a widow. I don't know what else to say. Anything else is too personal.

I Love you Tyler.

Rest In Peace
Tyler Stillwell Gray
February 11th, 1982 - November 14th, 2004