Juanita Victoria

This song reminds me

2012-01-27T02:55:00.000-08:00

But it is new enough to make me think of the now and the future!

I love you Eric! Let's go on a road trip and listen to nothing but shoegaze love songs...

PS, I miss you.

I'M AWAKE!!!!!

2011-12-29T01:56:00.000-08:00

I can't sleep these days! It's so annoying. All I want is sleep. A nice peaceful rest. But because of work being so busy and the new semester looming I am too stressed. My mind wont shut off. Ugh.

On the bright side, I have come up with so many photoshoot ideas! I have a huge, detailed list of things that I want/need to shoot. And these ideas are coming from the strangest places such as a documentary on Pompeii or reading about an unsolved crime. Most of the ideas are about women. The pain of love, madness, death and the choices that women make. I am sensing a theme here. That might actually be good for this coming semester. I had to add a whole bunch of new models on Model Mayhem so that I can use more that just the lovely Hayley. We will see how that works out.

Anyway, stay tuned.

I can't sleep!

2011-12-24T00:25:00.000-08:00

I don't know why but for some reason I have really been drawn to these songs lately. They have been stuck in my head. I just love them. They do something to me. And because of that I feel alive. I remember things. I dream. I create. I feel like a super being!

Anyway, music is a beautiful thing, especially music without lyrics. Lyrics tell you what to feel and think. And Lord knows that I am a rebel and that I hate to be told what to do! But this, this is something that pushes you off a cliff and helps you to fly. At least to this crazy lady...

Trust me, each song is wonderful. Listen to them. They might change your life and if not your life at least your day. There is magic in the music....

Wonderful!

2011-11-29T23:44:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I check the traffic to my blog to see what people are reading and how often. Today I saw that THIS post that I wrote about adoption has been a big hit lately. I don't think that I finished writing like I said that I would. But I just now felt inspired to write more. Stay tuned...

Nothing awesome

2011-11-29T19:01:00.000-08:00

Nothing really awesome happening these days. Just work and school. I can't believe that it's the end of the semester already! I am being lazy and not putting that much thought into my assignments anymore. Terrible, I know!

Documentary has slowly become my LEAST favorite class. Which is sad because I was so excited about it. Remember? I am glad that I took the class though because it has taught me a lot about my personality and what kind of photographer I am. Some photographers were just born to be journalists and others were born to be artists. Pretty sure that I am the latter....

Anyway, look at my most recent pieces for Photoshop. Nothing fancy. The second one sucks. But whatever. I am too tired to be creative and awesome these days.

I like this one.

Blah! I did a crappy Photoshop job on it! Oh well.

The Turner Family!

2011-11-20T14:15:00.000-08:00

Today I took family pictures for Tyler's lovely sister Lindsey. It was freezing! But they were awesome!

I always get a little nervous before I do a shoot for someone other than myself, even more so if I am shooting for the people that I love! I always feel as though the ones that I love and care about deserve nothing but the best. And I strive to give them that and more! At the end of the day I just hope that they are happy with the pictures that I have taken for them. If not... well that's a perk of being family or close friends, I am willing to re-shoot!

Tyler Stillwell Gray

2011-11-14T23:15:00.000-08:00

Today I thought to myself, "I feel good." And then I thought that maybe, just maybe, that was a gift....

It's been 7 years and Tyler is still so loved and in the hearts of many. For some reason I think that he is doing wonderfully wherever he is.

My photo assignments this semester!

2011-11-13T15:57:00.000-08:00

These are not in order at all. But the best ones are obviously the most recent. Ha. There are some assignments that I haven't posted because I can't find them or they really suck. Anyway, I have learned a lot this semester!

Photoshop (My least favorite class! Seriously, I could just hire someone to do this crap for me.):

Composite #2 with text

Composite #1

Color adjust. I changed the color of her lips and made a flower orange.

Headswap. Audrey on the far left went from weird eyed frizzy girl to somber.

Panorama

Portrait adjust. Cleaned up Hayley's face and changed her jaw line!

STUDIO:

Light painting #2 with flash.

Light painting #2 with flash.

Light painting #1 without flash.

Colors gels #2

Still Life #1

Still life #2

Color gels #1

Documentary:

Meet a stranger

Environmental Photo series

Sports

When will the day come?

2011-09-22T23:37:00.000-07:00

I am so SICK of watching wonderful, beautiful lives be washed away by drugs, by heroin. There is so much love in the world. So much love for you. I just wish and pray and hope that one day you will see this and know that YOU ARE LOVED. You CAN break free. Don't let the ones that you love know the broken heart that I know. Don't let them know what it means to lose.... you.

Oh, the potential that you have... it is special and priceless. Just hold on. Hold on for one more day. And when tomorrow comes, hold on just a little tighter. If you are reading this, I love you. I believe in YOU. You are wonderful. Don't give in, not today. Not ever.

Imagine that my love is holding you tight. My love is never going to let you go... If you are reading this and need help, I am here for you. The ones that love you are right by your side. Don't give up on them, don't give up on yourself. You are special and mean the world to someone...

Just hold on for one more minute, one more hour, one more day. I believe in you!

My buddy Keaton (and Ashlie!)..

2011-09-17T22:43:00.000-07:00

..REALLY helped me out by letting me interview and photograph him for my Documentary Photography class. I don't know much about skate photography so I did the best that I could. I like them. We'll see what my instructor thinks.

An 8 am photo shoot with beautiful friends!

2011-09-17T21:40:00.000-07:00

Dreamy, sad, youthful and lovely. That was the overall theme today. I love these! I have such gracious and beautiful friends!

Just a random, fun shoot!

2011-09-17T21:27:00.000-07:00

Something amazing and scary has happened to me...

2011-09-01T21:05:00.000-07:00

I have found my life's calling as far as photography is concerned... Photojournalism. I walked into my Documentary Photography class and instantly fell in love. I never want the class to end.

Susan Cohen is my instructor. I have to admit, I feel intimidated by her. Yet, I can't help but want her to teach me and show me all that she knows about the world of photojournalism. I know that I belong in THAT world. Every day after class I reflect back on what we have talked about and I feel it in my bones that it is right.

I love to take beautiful photographs and I think that I do a pretty good job. I know that I am artistic and that I have vision. But at the end of the day whenever there is something that might be newsworthy in any shape or form I am there with my camera. Eric can attest to that! He hates it when I walk down the street at 1 am with my camera toward the flashing lights. And in this neighborhood it happens more times than not.

Anyway, I am determined. I know that I am shy and like to hide out in the back but I think that maybe sometimes that works to my advantage. And maybe it works against me. All that I really know is that I want to be out there photographing things that people turn a blind eye to. I want to photograph the world and all the people/places/animals/things in it!

The scariest part is getting out there and just doing it...

Me and my husband and my camera!

2011-08-20T18:26:00.000-07:00

Life is amazing!!!!

Liana

2011-08-14T12:35:00.000-07:00

My sister Liana and her 3 kids came down for a quick visit from Idaho this weekend. I really do miss her and the kids. And it's always so much fun when we get together! It would be amazing if all my siblings lived closer. Anyway, I am determined to take photos of all my siblings. 2 down, 3 to go!

This is my sister Andrea

2011-07-29T12:36:00.000-07:00

She is just so beautiful. I have been begging her to let me take pictures of her and we finally made it happen! Now if I can only get the rest of my sisters out to Utah and use them as models too!

On a side note, I just love taking pictures. I love having an idea that I can bring to life. I am excited and nervous for school to start.

*As always you can click to enlarge.

We got bored last Sunday...

2011-07-21T17:22:00.000-07:00

So we went for an adventure under the house! Crazy, I know.

I can't help but be sassy in a photo, even with dirt on my face!

We found some old LDS magazine thing under the house.

Anyway, there's your update for now!

PS you can click to enlarge any photo!

Dogs

2011-07-12T22:38:00.001-07:00

We watched our friend's dog for a week. Her name is Edna and she is adorable.

I still think Murphy is the cutest dog in the whole world! I am glad that he is a part of our family!

The Salt Flats

2011-06-24T23:33:00.000-07:00

I don't mean to brag but I think that these photos are lovely. They turned out just how I envisioned them... Dramatic, dark and yet beautiful! It was a LONG day and we both have the sunburns to prove it! But it was so worth it! I loved working this shoot and I loved that I brought to life an idea that has been stuck with me for months! There are SOOO many photos to choose from! I love them all!

And OMG! Hayley will forever be one of my best friends and my number 1 model! I am so lucky to have such a wonderful friend. We had such a blast shooting this! And afterwards we went to Wendover and played the penny slots! I won 10 cents! Haha

Anyway, after all this, there is still that internal struggle, "Am I good enough?". I think of my friend Jennifer and how perfect and lovely her photos are. And even though I know that we have two totally different styles (we are from different planets!) I can't help but wonder what it would be like to see like she does and shoot like she does. I actually feel this way about all my photographer friends. I have so many talented and amazing friends.

Whatever, that is not the point. The point is that you do what you love with the support of the ones that you love and suddenly EVERYTHING is possible....

I am proud of this shoot no matter what!

Lagoon

2011-06-17T19:12:00.000-07:00

I don't ride rides. They make me sick and I just don't enjoy that feeling. I mean, I will go on the wimpy rides like the haunted house or the Ferris wheel. But you can forget about roller coasters! Anyway, since I don't ride the rides I just take photos on Lagoon day.

PS One fun thing about having a digital camera is that I can shoot in color and then switch to black and white whenever I feel like it. I still love film though, that is my true love.

2 years ago...

2011-06-02T10:59:00.000-07:00

I married this guy...

He is my very best friend. I love him dearly. I couldn't be happier with the life that we have built together.

Happy Anniversary to us!!!

This is forever my burden

2011-05-10T22:44:00.000-07:00

"Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up." -Thomas Edison

For no particular reason at all I have always had a lack of faith in myself. It has been like a cage to a bird. There are times when I think that I may finally be set free, only to realize that I am forever tied down to that same stupid cage. The cage that has been there, a part of me, for my whole life.

I am a painter, a writer, a photographer.... a natural born artist. And yet here I sit tied down to my hollow art that no longer carries any substance or meaning. At least I don't think that it does. For all I know my art, my creativity, my genius, could be staring me right in the face every day. But I am blind to my own potential. For whatever reason I cannot see straight when it comes to me.

Maybe it's like dreaming my own death. Impossible. But then again maybe it's like the frustration that I feel when I want to shake the sense into the people that I hold dear. Possible but messy. And I don't like cleaning up messes.

I have always been afraid. And art makes me feel like I am in a horror movie. Where do I run? Where do I hide? Will I be the last one standing? Will I make it out alive? I don't know for sure. I am not even sure what this rambling all means. Maybe it's just a vent, carrying my thoughts and worries into the great unknown.

Either way I am not sure if I am my own prisoner or if the world out there is what keeps me forever in the cage....

These two crazy kids are going to be parents!!!

2011-05-07T18:19:00.000-07:00

My sister Tiffany and her husband are going to be parents and I couldn't be happier for them! I know that they are going to be amazing/fun parents. Kevin has to go to Iraq for a while but he should be back in time to meet his new daughter or son. Hopefully, my mom and I can fly out to Delaware for that! Anyway, YAY!

Another final

2011-04-24T00:35:00.000-07:00

Click photo to enlarge

Hayley is so awesome. Such a gracious model and friend. I love the way that these photos turned out! Here is a sneak peek.

How long do you want to be loved?

2011-04-23T00:07:00.000-07:00

I never knew that this song existed until tonight. It's kind of cheesy but I like cheese. Anyway, this song makes me happy. It makes me want to hug my husband, A LOT... and never let go.

Photo shoot

2011-04-17T22:13:00.000-07:00

This is Moses, an aspiring model. He was very nice and fun to photograph.

I tend to get down on myself when it comes to my photography, even though I know that I shouldn't! I was a bundle of nerves on the way to the shoot. Yet once I started taking the photos I felt at ease and more myself than I did on the way there. My fabulous husband was my assistant today. He's so great!

Anyway, this is just one of many great photos that I took today. I am going to bed happy.

At the end of the day

2011-04-09T23:10:00.001-07:00

All I really want to do is curl up with my husband and our furry kids and watch movies. Doing nothing is sometimes the best time that I ever have!

Beyond that any time that I get to see my family makes me happy. I miss seeing my family all the time. Which is funny because when I actually did get to see them all the time I took that time for granted. The things that you learn when you grow up!

Photo this semester....

2011-04-01T00:12:00.000-07:00

I had to do a self portrait assignment this past week. Mine is not very happy or creative because I have been very tired, stressed and generally emotionally and physically exhausted this semester.

I also did some "contemporary portraits" of my friend Christina and her daughter Cora for the assignment. I realized that portraits are NOT my strong suit. As a matter of fact I am terrible at giving people directions and posing. I just want to show people as they are in their environment. Maybe I'll get into documentary photography and photojournalism after all. That was what got me into photography in the first place!

I just can't be the typical Utah portrait photographer. I hate doing it! It is always my worst work. Unless I have a specific goal or idea in mind for a shoot then I just go with what is most comfortable for the person/people that I am photographing. And with that the photos always seem more personal and have more meaning and depth. The sad part is that most people here (Utah) want the commercial portrait photography. And don't get me wrong it is great for some people, some photographers, but for me it.... it just doesn't click. It might be a money maker but when I first started to become interested in photography it was because of a National Geographic magazine I saw when I was a little girl not because of some family/bridal/baby portrait.

Anyway.... enough ranting. Here are some pics of Christina and Cora. I have a lot more that I am editing right now too!

Oh family....

2011-03-08T22:26:00.000-08:00

Does anyone care?

This was literally the last family photo taken with all of us kids in it. I think that was like 10 years ago? I honestly can't remember how long ago that was. I find this kind of depressing.

For Laney & Janey!

2011-02-27T01:19:00.000-08:00

I Love you Laney!

School assignment on space

2011-02-09T14:15:00.000-08:00

This assignment was about space. And not only that but keeping in mind all the things that I had learned before including detail in the highlights and shadows.

I am really proud of the second photo! I waited until the perfect moment to take it. I didn't rush it or fumble. I made sure that the scene was just the way that I wanted it and waited until the man was in the perfect spot. I used my knowledge of photography to get this photo instead of chance and photoshop!

Every day I learn something new in my photo classes. It was the right choice to continue forward with school. I am very happy.

PS Click on photos to get the full effect!

Photo 1 final

2010-12-05T22:43:00.000-08:00

Well, it's the end of the semester and my assignment is to turn in 5 photos of a subject that I can come back to over the years. I chose portraits. Portraits frighten the hell out of me. I always think of portraits as cheesy snapshots that anyone with a camera can take. I don't want that. I am still trying to decide on a 5th photo for this series to help tie everything together. For now these are my favorite 4.

Broken bones and God

2010-11-20T00:02:00.000-08:00

I know that I often struggle with what I believe in as far as religion is concerned. But the one thing that I can never deny is that there is a God.

One of my very best of friends (Adrian) was in a car accident yesterday. She is stable yet still in the ICU. Apparently if she had been driving a newer car... she would not have made it. And I would never be able to get over that, never. Just like Tyler. But because I do believe that there is a God somewhere, somehow, I know that he/she has a reason for her to continue on in this life and I am so, so grateful.

I have been numb, depressed and dazed all day. I just want so badly to be there for my sweet Adrian. But she lives in Arizona and neither of us can afford the trip. Especially not now. But somehow I keep going back to being thankful that she is alive. I miss her. I wish that I could be there to support her. Thankfully she has a wonderful family that will be there for her.

This old beast saved her life.

SO!

2010-11-17T21:38:00.000-08:00

I'm still trying to decide which TWO pictures to turn in next Tuesday. I have realized that through this assignment that portraits don't have to be cheesy or typical. This makes me feel excited to research portrait photography.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SKY!!!

2010-11-17T16:14:00.000-08:00

You are 10! I LOVE YOU!

Every year I remember..

2010-11-14T22:11:00.000-08:00

The years go on and so do I. But the one person that never leaves that little place in my heart is Tyler. I wonder about who he would be today. Six years ago he left but somehow he is here in the air more than he was that last year. I miss him still. I will never stop missing him. Never stop missing that beautiful smile.

It's strange, the feeling of missing because like I said, he is here. He is in the air, in the golden leaves, the winter mist, the rolling clouds on great mountain tops. He is in Sky and in Solee. He lives on. This makes me feel happy and hopeful.

Tyler Stillwell Gray you are loved.

And just one more thing, I am so grateful for my husband Eric. He loves me completely, this includes the pieces of me that contain my love for Tyler. I am so very lucky to have such a wonderful man in my life.

Previous post continued

2010-11-14T15:55:00.001-08:00

The first one is inspired by a photo of Barbara Streisand wearing a lamp shade. Hayley is awesome for letting me do that! The second one almost looks like a bridal to me. Anyway, it's been a fun assignment!

A picture from one of my photo assignments

2010-11-13T20:19:00.000-08:00

I am thankful for beautiful and gracious friends. I am also thankful for all the creative friends and family in my life.

Just a couple of photo assignments

2010-11-05T14:00:00.001-07:00

So the first 2 photos are part of my "Color of Light" assignment. The last one is part of a group assignment that I am working on. I'll be done with this semester soon and then I can actually start editing my pics from Moab.

Guess what I did?!

2010-10-23T21:53:00.000-07:00

I ran a half marathon! 13.1 miles! I have to say that it was a spiritual experience for me. I know that I have been through a lot in my life. I have always known that I was emotionally and spiritually strong as well as wise but I never believed in myself physically. Now I know just how strong I am. I almost cried when I crossed the finish line. I'll never forget what that race meant to me. I am proud of myself and I feel stronger, happier and more connected to myself than I ever have been before. Thank you Eric, Geno, Katie and mom for always encouraging me in my running! I love you guys!

Just a couple of photo assignments

2010-10-04T12:27:00.001-07:00

I am pretty bummed that the school tore down the darkrooms. I was having so much fun even if I did waste 4 rolls of film in my old busted up camera. At least I was able to spend 7 1/2 hours in the darkroom on the last lab day to catch up on my assignments. Here are a couple of pics that I have done for my Photo Vision class.

Taking an interesting picture of an egg is not as easy as it sounds! These will have to do for now.

Oh my!

2010-09-08T18:34:00.000-07:00

Eric and I love each other. We love Murphy. We also love Lily. Murphy loves us. Lily loves us. However, Murphy and Lily hate each other!

I know that Christmas is like 3 months away but one of my Christmas wishes is that Lily and Murphy will be able to live civilly together without trying to kill each other.

My other wish is that we will be able to afford to live in our house after my sister moves out.

I'm shy..

2010-09-07T01:44:00.000-07:00

but I really wanted to take this man's picture. So I sucked it up and asked. He said ok. Nothing too special but I like them anyway....

2010-09-03T23:45:00.001-07:00

Work sucks. School is good. Dog and cat fight. Husband and I are like passing ships in the night. I might go meditate with some Buddhist monks in November. Sister and her boyfriend still live here.

Sigh.

Cats are perfect companions for...

2010-08-26T00:01:00.000-07:00

brilliant people!

2010-08-07T00:16:00.000-07:00

2010-08-01T00:11:00.000-07:00

My writing blog:

http://jvswrites.blogspot.com/

Growing pains

2010-07-29T17:11:00.000-07:00

This post has nothing to do with Frida Kahlo or art. I have just been obsessing over her lately and I found this picture of her that I really like.

..........

Growing up I never would have imagined that I would have gone through half the crap that I did. Some of it was good, some of it was bad and some of it was awful. But in the end it's all ok because I am here and I am genuinely happy. I am married to an awesome man. I have so many wonderful people in my life. I have a beautiful home. I am continuing my education. My job really sucks but at least I have job and it's not flipping burgers! And I'm healthy. Maybe I didn't move to Paris or become a National Geographic photographer. That doesn't matter though. What matters to me is that things are good. My life is almost exactly what I imagined it would be at nearly 30.

On the flip side so many of the amazing people that I grew up with, the people that I thought would have gone somewhere, are some how stuck. It's like they never learned how to grow up or they just gave up trying. So they do all that they can to stay in their little safety zone. And when they get pushed beyond that zone they don't know what to do. They either sink or swim. It's kind of pathetic. And I'm not saying that in a mean or hurtful way at all. It's just so sad to see hopes and dreams crushed by the people that gave life to them. Their own worst enemy. And change wont come easily, if at all. It breaks my heart.

Anyway, I guess the whole point of this is that I never gave up on myself. Even when I thought that I did, even when I desperately wanted to, I never could. It makes me wonder about the people that do...

Our house is a very, very, very fine house...

2010-07-18T16:13:00.000-07:00

These are just a couple of pictures to show how awesome and how far our house has come. We get compliments on our house all the time. And people are always stopping and asking if they can have some of our apricots. Yesterday I let a lady and her husband take some and they are making jam with it. She said she would bring some back for us. So nice! I love our house, our home.

Just a couple of pics

2010-07-03T19:42:00.000-07:00

Andrea

2010-07-02T02:57:00.000-07:00

This is just a short pre-post about my sister Andrea having her baby. Camera phone pics included.

After 30+ hours of labor my sister Andrea had her baby girl. It was very surreal. Both mom and baby are beautiful and perfect. Baby Sloane came into this world on July 2nd, 2010 weighting 5 pounds 15 Ounces and reaching 19.09 inches long! She is a tiny, sweet little baby. I love her and I love Andrea very much. I am proud of them both. More to come later after sleep!

Happiness

2010-06-28T22:11:00.000-07:00

The loves of my life!

Today I was not a wimp!

2010-06-15T21:41:00.001-07:00

There was an oil leak here in SLC this past weekend. On my run today I saw some guys cleaning up part of the Jordan River by our house. So I ran home, grabbed my camera and went directly back to the site to take pictures. I wasn't shy at all. As a matter of fact I spoke to both men. I didn't have any paper on me so I forgot some of the things they told me. Amateur move. Anyway all I know is that they work for Kodiak Wildlife Management in Idaho and they plan on being here in Utah for 1 to 2 months. I really need to take a journalism class or something. I was so not prepared today. But I am proud of myself for doing it. Practice makes perfect.

PS we went to Lagoon last Friday with Eric's work. It was very rainy. We still had fun though. Eric won me 2 little stuffed whales. Cute.

Random picture post

2010-06-09T15:04:00.000-07:00

Ask and you shall receive

2010-05-24T21:07:00.001-07:00

You know it's funny when you ask for something and suddenly it happens. Then it's up to you to decide what to do with it. I was a baby about taking the pictures. Horrified actually and a little bit embarrassed. But I did it. They might not be award winners and I don't care. I just wanted to see how close I could get. I wanted to see if I had even just a little bit of a photojournalist in me. I think so? Anyway, next time I'll get a little closer.

By the way Katie, Eric and Geno got the huge tree stump out of our yard on Sunday. It was a pain. They are tuff. We are so glad that thing is finally out of our yard!

Hmm...

2010-05-21T21:40:00.000-07:00

My sister Andrea is pregnant. She is placing her baby for adoption. I respect her choice not only because I have been there before... twice... but also because I respect a woman's right to choose what is best for her, her body, her baby and her life.

Anyway, this post is not about "that". This post is about photography. In shooting my family and friends over the years I have come to realize many, many things. For one, I love catching candid moments in time. I love the drama that posed pictures can create. But then again I feel incomplete after taking pictures so generic. I feel a bit sad taking the kinds of pictures that literally ANYONE can take.

This is why I am in school. I always wanted to be a photojournalist. I always wanted to capture the scary shit in life. Dodge bullets, outrun wild animals, suffer months of heat/cold/war in order to bring a photograph to the world that would speak volumes to the greater mass.

And yet here I am, weak in my portraiture, scared shitless of doing something that no one has ever done before. I dream of photo essays about drug addicts because it means something to ME and I know it will mean something to someone else. I wish for horrific accidents to happen across the street from my house so that I can come rushing out my front door without a thought or care in the world other than getting that one shot.

I guess... I just see so many generic photographers. Yes, they take beautiful pictures but do they know how to photograph. And if they do why do they let themselves fall so hard into the generic world of photography? Will that be me one day? Is that me.. now and forever more?

I dont want that for myself. I want something meaningful. This scares the hell out of me. How do I make it happen for myself? And more importantly how do I do this while balancing my life as a wife, homeowner, daughter and one day.... mother?

GOD!

Happy Birthday!!!

2010-05-01T22:23:00.001-07:00

Today my mother in law turned 60! That's amazing. And so is her family. I love being an Atencio!

Happy Birthday!!!

Who ever would have thought?

2010-04-24T18:36:00.000-07:00

I was never athletic. I mean I smoked for years and years. I was the artsy, hippie girl. I never, ever thought of running unless it was running away from my problems. Yet here I am, 28 years old and I run. I run to keep my depression at bay. I run to stay in shape. I run to stomp out all my frustrations. I run because it's a way to be alone. I run because I love to challenge myself... I have a love hate relationship with running. Some days it's hard to get going. Some days it's hard to finish. Some days I cant wait to hit the pavement. Most days it's just something I have to do.

I might not be as strong and as tuff as the rest of the Atencio clan but I am doing the best that I can. Classical music. That's the key. It keeps me going.

Once again here is the link to my Nike Profile: JVAtencio

Pics

2010-04-14T20:07:00.000-07:00

Today my friend Jennifer and I went to Liberty Park to take some pictures. We have decided that this will be our summer of photography. She is going to be my partner in crime! Together we are going to go on fun photography adventures and help each other learn and grow. And in the fall we are going to school together.

Today was fun. Even though we were in the same place we saw different things! Here are just a few of mine a'la Black and White.

On turning 28

2010-03-28T10:54:00.000-07:00

When I was younger I thought that I had a huge nose. I hated it. I also hated that I looked different from all the other girls in school. They had big, pretty eyes. I envied blue eyes the most. They had long, flowing, straight hair. I always wanted long, blonde hair. They had bright white teeth perfectly placed in their perfect little mouths. They were taller, thinner, etc. The list goes on and on. I always wanted to be someone that I was not and could never be.

As the years have gone on there have been certain pieces of myself that I have learned to love and accept. When I was 17 I loved that my skin would tan instead of burn bright red. After Sky and Solee where born I learned to love the shape of my eyes. And when I chopped my hair all off I learned that my nose was perfect in pulling all my facial features together. Now I love a big nose and find that the more character a nose has the more I love it.

I'm 28. I am nerdy. I am obsessed with crime shows and books. I love Audrey Hepburn. Some of my favorite foods are sushi, nachos, artichokes and mashed potatoes. I don't like soda. Apparently I snore. My favorite colors are black, white, grey, hot pink and all shades of green and blue. I am an animal person. When I am sad I look at pictures of kittens, puppies and other baby animals to help cheer me up. I paint, write, photograph, cook, garden, bike and run. I am consistently late. I am not a morning person at all. I am me.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SOLEE!!!

2010-03-12T20:04:00.000-08:00

Solee,

You are loved by sooo many people! People you know and dont know. People here on earth and some in heaven. You are one lucky little girl. I hope that you had a very happy, happy birthday! I love you!

-Juanita

PS I love you too SKY!

2010-02-18T13:29:00.000-08:00

So my photography vision class has left me lacking inspiration. Today however, we went on a class field trip to Liberty Park. It was very early, very cold and wet... but I loved it! I had lots of fun. Best class so far!

PS click on the picture to see the little white duck.

A negative reaction

2010-02-15T19:55:00.000-08:00

I grew up hearing lots of great things from my parents. Things such as "You are beautiful. You can be whatever you want to be. You are such an amazing artist. You can do anything. You are special." And yet for most of my life I have felt the exact opposite of what my parents told me about myself.

As I'm sitting here writing this I realize that I just don't believe in myself at all. And I'm wondering where this feeling came from. Not to place blame and certainly not to avoid accepting personal responsibility for myself but I realize that a lot of the problem I have with myself is a mirror to what I saw growing up. Someone saying to me, "You are beautiful", only later to see that person look at themselves in the mirror with disappointment or telling themselves how "fat" or "ugly" they were. It left me confused and conflicted.

Eric and I were talking about our future children and it scared the shit out of me. How can I possibly be a mother without screwing my kid up? It might take years or even a whole lifetime for me to feel confident enough in myself to be able to reach that point. I do not want to be the parent that tells the kid how wonderful they are and then talk about how awful I am. It just doesn't work!

I love my parents and I know they did the best that they could. I don't hold anything against them. I have just learned a valuable lesson about how much kids truly look up to their parents and the important people in their lives. It's actually kind of frightening.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TYLER!!!!

2010-02-11T22:16:00.000-08:00

Today you would have been 28. That's so strange to me. We met about 11 years ago. Now I'm remarried to a great man, we own our first home together and i'm in school. Life is great. It makes me wonder how your life would be right now....

I imagine that you would have grown into a church going man. And that your faith would have helped you keep clean of your addiction. I picture that somewhere along the way you met a beautiful woman that would love you and you her, the way that it was always meant to be. I picture you with a cute little family. I see you as a drug counselor in a youth facility, maybe. You would go skiing and hiking with your little family on the weekends and have Sunday dinner at your parent's place. You and I would be friends. Life would be good.

But today you are spending your 28th birthday somewhere else, away from all of us down on earth that love you. I was going to visit your grave today but as life goes I couldn't make it. I felt you in my heart on my run today. I felt you from the moment I woke up. I miss you and I love you. I hope that where ever you are that your birthday was filled with love....

"until we meet again"

Photo assignment

2010-01-23T21:11:00.001-08:00

Things I need to work on:

Photographing in low light and figuring out the correct f stops and crap.

I really do love running

2010-01-17T16:48:00.000-08:00

Here is a link to my Nike page: Juanita

It's not always easy, especially with this air, but I'm doing the best that I can to stay motivated. I go through spurts of running. This time I am trying to make sure that it sticks for longer than three months. Hoping it sticks for the rest of my life!

Christmas

2009-12-31T16:00:00.001-08:00

I have too many pictures and because I am too lazy to go through all of them I am not posting any. At least not now.

Happy New Year.

I would find myself... I would find a... way...

2009-12-03T22:15:00.000-08:00

Love the man in black.

Eric's birthday pics from yesterday!

2009-11-25T19:38:00.000-08:00

I guess I uploaded these in a random order. Yikes! Anyway, I hope Eric had a great day with family and friends. PS I really do make that grumpy, grumpy face while playing the wii or any game for that matter. I just like to win and if I dont.... SORRY for whatever happens next. Hehe.

Love you Eric and love you Atencio family (which now includes me!)

5 years

2009-11-15T00:25:00.000-08:00

I still miss him. And I love his family as my own. I feel lucky to have known him.

2009-11-10T18:12:00.000-08:00

I am totally addicted to this show right now...

2009-10-18T20:34:00.001-07:00

.... And every time I watch it I cry and cry and cry. Not out of sadness but of a feeling I cannot even begin to describe. Well actually that's a lie. It's a feeling of overwhelming love and joy. Happiness in knowing that no matter who I was, who I am or who I will be the most perfect parts of me are living and breathing the life they so deserve. I love Sky and Solee and Malen and Wendy very, very, very much. I'll never ever, ever, ever regret....

2009-10-13T11:52:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I forget that I love black and white photos. I forget that most of my inspiration comes in BW. Having a big ol' fancy camera and seeing everything in perfect color can be a bit distracting. Anyway, here are three pics that I took from a while back. I took them with the fancy camera thinking about BW.

Sam, you and your BW pics are my heroes!

Picture update

2009-09-17T14:46:00.000-07:00

Dance party with sisters. Randomness.

I LOVE my family!

2009-08-16T18:20:00.000-07:00

Liana, James, Damon, Sami and Brenden came into town this weekend. Kevin is leaving for the Airforce boot camp next week. And then him and Tiff are off to Florida. So it was nice to have some of us together.

Obviously missing from this was Eric. He had to work. Christopher, he's off being a navy man. Emily, off being a navy wife. And Krysia, off being young in Texas. I often wonder if we will ever ALL be in the same place again. Either way we always end up smiling and having a wonderful time.

This is our new HOME!!! More pics soon!

2009-07-23T19:19:00.001-07:00

2009-07-09T16:15:00.000-07:00

Something my mother always told me:

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." - Eleanor Roosevelt

This is a lot easier said than done. As a matter of fact I think I constantly give permission to people to make me feel like I am an awful person. I dont know why. Because I really do know that they are WRONG.

I am a good, honest and loving person. And there are many people in my life that can attest to this. Today I decided that I wont ever, EVER, EVER give anyone permission to make me feel less than I know that I am ever again. Wish me luck because it wont be easy!

Check out these awesome blogs!

2009-07-01T12:53:00.000-07:00

Terrible Yellow Eyes a website with art inspired from Where the Wild Things Are!

That website led me to:

Chicken Nugget Lemon Tooty a website of really cute and sometimes amazing art by three kids!

That website led me to:

Illustration Friday a website for creative people with weekly themes! Great idea!

A couple more wedding pics

2009-06-18T21:35:00.000-07:00

I am very, very, very happy to be married to Eric. I love him dearly.

I am so lucky to have known him

2009-06-11T20:48:00.000-07:00

Ryan James Close, age 23, gracefully concluded his final set on June 4, 2009. He was born November 25, 1985 in Mission Hills, CA, the youngest of 6 children, and the only son of Rebecca Wilson and Richard Close. He is survived by his eternal companion, Sara Rawlings Close of Orem, UT; his parents and stepdad, David Berg; his sisters Tami, Melody, Suzanne, Wendy, & Marilee; his grandmother June Close; his step-sbrothers Brandon and Nick Berg; his adoring nieces & nephews; and many cousins, uncles, and aunts (Go, Spider Cheryl!).

Ryan received a life-saving transplant when a sudden illness destroyed his heart at age 5, followed by a second transplant at age 14. Because of those two immense gifts, he declined a place on the transplant list when his heart began to fail once more, believing it was someone else’s turn. He was a proud organ donor, hopeful of paying forward the opportunity of life twice delivered to him.

Ryan was the poster child for the American Heart Association in 1991. His story has continued to inspire others through the years. He was courageous and gracious to the end, continually winning the hearts of nurses and doctors and even the hospital cleaning crews where he spent the last few weeks of his life. Ryan graduated from Folsom High School in 2004. He will never be forgotten by his numerous friends and acquaintances.

Ryan’s clever wit brought laughter to all who were smart enough to appreciate it. He enjoyed writing music, playing his guitars and singing, and playing on the floor with his nieces and nephews. He loved life and Thursday tamales. Above all, he adored his precious Sara.

Services will be held at Wheeler Mortuary in Springville June 13, 2009 at 1:00 pm.

"Getting Ready for Church" photo by Sara Close
Our Favorite Uncle
Ryan & Sara and kids
Satuesque

Update

2009-06-04T15:59:00.000-07:00

June 2, 2009

DAY:

Eric and I slept in. We then went to lunch at The Atlantic. That's were we went on our first date. After that we got dressed and headed to the courthouse. We met up with all our family in a small little room. Everyone cried, except the tuff men of course. We were pronounced husband and wife, then we kissed. We are married.

From there we went to Liberty park and my mom took TONS of pictures. After that we had dinner at the Spaghetti Factory with all our family. It was a great day.

NIGHT:

Andrea, Eric and I went to our friend's house. We shared a toast with all our friends and then walked down to Urban Lounge to see the AMAZING Camera Obscura. Oh, I love them. I never knew who they were until I met Eric. We danced and had fun. Although some stupid couple got mad at me and Eric for dancing and accidentally bumping them. They remained pissed the rest of the night. All our friends stood up for us. It was cute. Anyway, Eric and I went and got our album signed by the band. And then our friend Colton who got us into the show for free also gave us another signed album. Drunken drama aside, it was the best wedding day ever.

OTHER NEWS:

Eric and I are currently in the process of buying a house. We are both very excited. The inspection of the house was on Monday. We met with our realtor yesterday. If the seller can fix what was brought up during the inspection then its a go. Cross your fingers.

IN SAD NEWS:

My friend Sarah has gone missing and I am worried sick about her. I cant stop wondering what happened to her. We have been friends since 2001. We bonded over adoption experiences. I am praying that she is ok. Here is the story on ksl.

Also, my good friend Ryan passed away this morning. He was waiting for a heart and kidney transplant. He had had several heart transplants before. I guess his body couldnt take it anymore which is frustrating because he was so full of life. He was the funniest person and I have so many happy memories of him. I am having a really hard time with this. I miss him.

Today I did my very first photo shoot!

2009-04-29T21:28:00.000-07:00

Eric's sister Katie asked me to take pics of her and her family. She is due in two weeks! I had lots of fun. Elijah wouldn't sit still but I think I still got some pretty cute pictures with him. I am definitely not a conventional portrait photographer. I cant wait to start school and master my skills. :)

This is just a preview.

Look! Elijah is the son in the sun.

2009-04-28T14:45:00.001-07:00

My Shutterfly profile and pics from yesterday when my brother Chris and his wife came for a visit.

I just want to say....

2009-04-26T21:53:00.000-07:00

I love Eric very, very, very much.

Spring in Utah

2009-04-16T16:01:00.000-07:00

Body image stuff

2009-04-15T18:33:00.000-07:00

For as long as I can remember I have had issues with my body. I have hated my body. I have been jealous of my sisters, friends and anyone that was skinnier than me. And its a constant struggle for me to accept my body as it is.

Its hard. One day I can feel happy and accepting of my body. Other days I cant even look at myself in the mirror. I hate this struggle. It seems so pointless and petty.

Lately, I have been very depressed and my self esteem has plummeted. I am getting older and its harder to take care of my body. I live with my young, beautiful sister who everyone adores. And I weight more now than I EVER have before. I think that says a lot considering...

Anyway, today I saw something completely unexpected and it knocked me off my feet. I was looking in the new issue of Glamour magazine and I saw a REAL, beautiful, curvy and healthy woman modeling swimsuits of all things. It was so shocking. But something wonderful happened. It made me feel good about myself. It made me want to just be healthy and happy. And for now it has curbed my desire to be rail thin like every other model, actress or even real life girl. Imagine what the world would be like if this was more of a normal occurrence.

Here is a picture from the spread. She is beautiful.

YES! YES! YES!

2009-03-27T09:41:00.000-07:00

I am excited! Eric is excited! You should be excited! Oh and that Arcade Fire song is perfect for the trailer. I love the Arcade Fire.

PS Today is my birthday. 27! YAY!

The hardest person to face is yourself

2009-03-19T11:35:00.000-07:00

Here are a few truths about how I use to be. Its true and honest and hard to admit. This is why I need to say it.

I was lazy for a long time. Somewhere along the way I just got stuck. I got stuck on watching tv all day and playing on the Internet. When I was a kid we never watched tv. We use to run around and play. We had imaginations bigger than the ocean. Maybe it was because tv became so accessible and we got bored. Whatever it was I spent a lot of time in front of the television. I hate that. Its so terrible spending all day and night watching tv or sitting in front of the computer screen. In the end you are just wasting your time watching someone else live.

Another thing that I have learned is that I use to make excuses for any and everything. And no offense to my family but we ALL have a tendency to make excuses rather than just admit the hard shit. Like, watching tv all day long. I had an excuse for letting myself do that. "I dont feel good today" "It's my day off, so whatever" "My foot hurts I guess I cant go for a walk"

I never wanted to admit that I actually was lazy and procrastinating my life for no real reason. People say you need to do things in your own time. I think that's true to a point. It really shouldnt have taken me 10 years to get my drivers license or to get my high school diploma.

I think I use to make myself sick too. I think I made my body feel like it was falling apart so that it appeared that there was a legitimate reason for my laziness and my willingness to make excuses for my life. I think I started to do it so much that I forgot the difference between real pain and sickness and the fake. It's so, so, so easy to get into this pattern. And you know the silly thing about this all is that everyone saw right through me and they let me get away with it. WHY? I dont know. Maybe they felt sorry for me. Either way looking back I can see that it was rather pathetic on my part.

It's so hard to look at yourself and say, "I really am lazy. I really am making an excuse for not living my life." But now that I have been able to face myself, I can change and I think that I have changed. Obviously I still struggle but now I have the guts to face myself and not let myself fall back into those dangerous patterns. They were deadly because they kept me from living my best life and being the best person that I can be.

I dare you to truly look at yourself in the mirror today. It will change your life.

Solee

2009-03-12T22:03:00.000-07:00

That top picture is my favorite from when she was born. Look at the perfectly, beautiful expression on her face. She couldnt wait to be with her brother and Malen and Wendy.

I will be plainly honest here. I feel like the worst person in the world today. I forgot. I forgot Solee's birthday. I forgot Tyler's last month. I have always prided myself on remembering so much. And yet lately I seem to forget more than I can remember. And it makes me feel like I am the worst person ever.

I dont know how to juggle moving on with remembering who I am. I feel confused. Either way I forgot a day that I never thought I would. And I am hating myself for it.

Anyway, its not about me. Happy birthday Solee. I love you very much and I am so glad that you have the family that you have. You are amazing!

2009-03-07T23:51:00.000-08:00

Some kind of pity party

2009-02-19T21:10:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking. I have come to the conclusion that anyone can take a picture. I am feeling rather talentless which seems kind of stupid considering the fact that I spent $900 on a new camera. That being said, I like these two pictures.

Happy Birthday Tyler!

2009-02-11T15:29:00.000-08:00

To be honest, this is terrible of me on so many levels, I forgot today was Tyler's birthday until just now. How is that even possible? How could I forget? I feel awful, really, really awful.

Anyway, Happy Birthday Stillwell. Today you would have been 27. Thats 10 years since we met.

I bought a Nikon D80

2009-02-08T12:16:00.001-08:00

So far I am in love with it. I am still trying to get to know it better though. Anyway, here are some random test shots with my new camera. Nothing special. Just click on image to enlarge.

2009-01-31T10:16:00.001-08:00

My learners permit expires tomorrow. I guess its a good thing that I passed my road test today. Soooo.... after 10 years I am FINALLY getting my drivers license.

It was really foggy the other day

2009-01-30T15:11:00.000-08:00

I just want to be a retro girl

2009-01-18T21:13:00.000-08:00

I love Audrey Hepburn and most everything kitschy. I am addicted to ebay and shopping for 40's and 50's style dresses. I just discovered the magic of black liquid liner, cat eyes and lipstick. I like being girly and looking girly. I just found this great blog about vintage hairstyles. Take a look here.

I am 26 going on 27 and I must say that it has taken me quit some time to pinpoint a personal style. But then again maybe this has been my style all along and I never noticed. Either way I am happy.

WOW!!!

2009-01-18T14:41:00.000-08:00

From a journal entry 1-25-06

2009-01-02T17:37:00.000-08:00

"Why do I have this feeling? The feeling that something is right here, right around the corner, right at the front door. Something is there waiting for me to look. Something is waiting for me to take. And this is by no means a small something. This feels very big. I can't quite put it to words. It's just there. I feel it getting closer and closer every day. I feel excited and nervous and scared and thrilled out of my head. When will I know what the hell this thing is? I'm impatient."

I still dont quite know what that something was. Maybe it was nothing. Maybe it already happened and I was so distracted that I missed it. I am not sure either way.

Anyway...

This year I am going to get my drivers license.
I am going to go to college.
I am going to get a better job that makes me feel good about myself.
I am going to volunteer at the UMFA.
I am going to start running again, keep running and not let myself stop running.
I am going to dress up and wear heels more often.
I am going to cut ties with people that have no place in my life anymore.
I am going to read, paint, write and take pictures more this year.
I am going to gain control of my life.
And I am going to do one huge thing that I otherwise would have been afraid to do.

New Years resolutions are cheesy but this is my life that I am trying to get in order. So lets just say this is a to do list for the year not resolutions. Wish me luck.

December in no particular order

2008-12-29T20:28:00.000-08:00

I DID IT!

2008-12-17T14:51:00.001-08:00

After 8 long years I finally did it, I FINALLY got my High School diploma. I am so proud of myself!

Thank you Eric for pushing me so hard this year. And thank you for believing in me. Thank you everyone for your continual love and support. It means the world to me.

I am so excited!!! YAY ME!